Eternity for you
by EraBlaise
Summary: Sara is suffering from her feelings for Tegan and can't hide it anymore. Tegan finally gave up rejecting her feelings towards her sister and wants to get her but the world does not make it easy for her. Quincest. Don't like, don't read. English is not my native language, so please forgive my mistakes.
1. Did you ever see the concrete stares

Chapter one: Did you ever see the concrete stares of everyday?

Sara POV

She slowly kissed me and bit my lower lip. She had a sly smile on her face when she pulled away and I felt two fingers entering me. My back arched and my eyes rolled back in my head. She kissed her way to my breast, her fingers still pumping in a steady rythm in me. She kept eye contact while she ran her tongue over my nipple and I let out a moan. I could feel her everywhere. I felt her fingers in me, her lips on my stomach and her hair between my fingers as my hands hold her tight when she licked my throbbing clit. I gasped at this new sensation, bucking my hip to get more. My moans were getting louder and louder and I felt myself getting closer to my climax. I was almost there…

„Baby, I'm gonna…"

I couldn't finish my sentence. I was panting and my whole body was covered with sweat. But must of all I was soaking wet.

„Oh fuck." I murmured. I dreamed about her again and this time I even woke up with my hand in my underwear. I let out a sigh as I rubbed my eyes with my free hand and slowly started to circle my clit recalling pictures of Tegan's naked body which I saw only couple of moments ago in my dream. I imagined that my hands are hers but my mind knew that it's not true. I stopped for a second and stared at the ceiling. When I started to circle my clit again my mind was empty. I rubbed myself so rough that it almost hurt altough the fact that I was soaking wet. My climax was short – I didn't even let out a moan.

I cleaned my fingers in my shirt and turned to my side hugging the blanket to me and staring in front of me. I am so fucked up.

I woke up with a terrible headache but I was too lazy to get up and take some aspirin. I just laid there holding my head in my hand and imagining that Tegan is holding me. I always did this – imagined that the blanket is actually Tegan's body and she is spooning me, her arm around my waist and she is rubbing my stomach. This image always made me relaxed and incredible sad when I finally realized that this is never going to happen.

I checked the time on my phone. 7:28am. Amazing. It's too early to get up but too late to go back to sleep. I rubbed my eyes as I get up in a sitting position, my feet on the cheap carpet in the cold hotel room. I felt my own cum in my fingers and it disgusted me.

We had a day off so I didn't have anything to do. I wished Tegan would come over to my room so I can at least be with her. I didn't want to be the one who starts talking to the other today because I've already felt myself creepy for caring so much about her and I knew that se noticed it.

She caught me checking her out yesterday but she didn't say anything. I tried to look her in the eye like I did nothing but I'm not quite sure she believed me. She is too smart, I can't lie to her. I smiled a bit under the shower. Yeah, that's it. My clever, funny, amazingly beautiful sister. Kind, generous, simply beautiful in and outside. And still my sister.

As I washed my hair I saw the little scars on my upper arm and I immediatly knew what's gonna make me feel better. I got out of the shower and strarted to search after a little piece of paper in my suitcase. I found it in a little secret pocket. I went back to the bathrom and unwrapped the paper. There was a little razor in it. I carefully set it on the counter and watched it for a few minutes then I dried my hair, my eyes still on the little piece of metal.

I slowly grabbed it and looked in the mirror before the metal touched my upper arm and I whimpered. The pain made me relaxed. I deserve this pain. I will cut myself forever if this helps me to forget about my feelings for Tegan.

I slowly made an other line just abow the first. And then the second. The third. I stopped it after six lines. Just like my little tattoo. Six lines for the strings of the guitar. Six other lines for my love for my sister. But this time the ink I used was my own blood.

I cleaned the cuts with water, whimpering each time I touched them. I took out a gauz wrap from my suitcase and wraped up my arm before I got dressed. The cuts still hurt but it feels good. Calm.

I've been cutting myself for a year now. Before that I drank. Before drinking I tried to smoke but I couldn't because of my asthma. All the things I tried to make me forget about Tegan – or at least my feelings – I realized that cutting myself is the best. It hurts for a few days and it's easy to hide. I always cut my upper arm so I can wear short sleeve shirts and there's no chance that someone will see them. It's the perfect way. It was the perfect way. But it's not enough anymore. I started to drink again – I'm drank after every show we have. I don't make any trouble I just quietly get drunk and then go to my bunk. I can't sleep without alcohol anymore.

I heard someone knocking on my door. I quickly checked if my sleeve covered the gauz before I went to answer the door.

My heart stopped for a second when I saw Tegan standing in my door with a small smile on her face. Her hair was a little messy but she looked like she slept well what made me feel good. She haven't really slept since she broke up with Lindsay three months ago. She really loved her. I saw her chasing after her for four years before they got together, but now, she was alone. Maybe this time… no Sara, that's not going to happen. She will never love you that way you love her. Because it's insane.

„Hey Sar, I wondered if you'd have breakfast with me." She said with a gummy smile on her face.

„Sure, just let me grab my mobile."

Tegan POV

I walked before Sara, lightly swaying my hips because I knew that she was watching me and I enjoyed being watched by my sister. This whole situation was sick and insane but I gave up the resistance. I've been rejecting my feelings since I was sixteen and I couldn't stand pretending that I don't love her anymore.

That's why Lindsey left. She felt that someone is on my mind but didn't know who. She thought I was cheating on her. Well, not phisically but mentally I cheated on her. She said she had never really had my heart. This was true. My heart always belonged to Sara. My little Sasa with her beautiful smile, beautiful curves… she was my definition to the word perfect.

I looked back at her and her eyes immediately found mine – I smirked and she raised an eyebrow at me. I still smiled when I pushed the button to the elevator. I pretended that I'm checking something on my phone while we waited but in fact I just wanted to look like I accidentally stepped closer to her. I felt her body tensed when our shoulders touched but she didn't move further from me and I took this as a good sign.

The elevator ride was short and quiet. I didn't try to move closer to her but put my hand on her lower back when she stepped out and lightly let my hand touch her butt. I felt my heart accelerate when I did so and heard her gasp. She looked at me curious but I ignored it and slowly made my way to the restaurant, and waited for her before the door.

She looked a little bit tired and I felt guilty. Why haven't I noticed her sadness before? Oh yeah, I only focused on touching her instead of really paying attentions.

„Are you ok? You look a bit tired." I asked her as we picked up our food.

„Uhm… yeah, actually I am. I woke up with a terrible headache." She poured herself a cup of coffee but only grab one toast and some omlettes.

„You should eat more." I said as we sat down.

„I'm not really hungry." She ignored eye contact with me and focused on her plate and I used this to check her out, this time not only noticing her beautiful face but also the sadness in her eyes. I knew that she hasn't slept very well and she began to drink again but this time I had to admit that she wasn't sad. She was broken and I had to fix her. Or at least try to.

„Do you have any plans for today?"

„Not really." She didn't really want to talk to me but I kept asking her.

„We could watch a movie or something. I mean if you want to." She looked at me above her cup and lightly shake her head.

„I wanted to take a nap this afternoon. I didn't sleep well last night." I was dissapointed.

„Uhm, good idea maybe I'll do the same… I woke up in like every 2 hours." From a dream about you.

„But we can watch it tonight." She smiled at me weakly and I felt a big smile on my face.

„Sure." I tried to hide the big smile on my face but I felt her eyes on me. I'm gonna spend the night with Sara. I felt nervous and excited. I wasn't sure how this will turn out – but I felt like something good was going to happen.


	2. I really should be alright

**Note:** I'm really sorry for the late update but I didn't have internet acces since I uploaded the firs chapter. Hope you'll like this one!  
I do apologise for every mistake I have.

Chapter 2: I really should be alright

Sara POV:

I laid on my back on the bed in my hotel room. It was a bit cold considering the fact that I left the window open.  
I was going to spend my evening with Tegan – _alone_. I was excited and anxious in the same time. Only the thought of being with Tegan in the same bed and watching a movie turned me on like hell. And this was ridiculous. I'm not a sex maniac teenager, I should be able to control my hormones, but with Tegan, it wasn't so easy. She was all I had in my mind. All the time.  
It was already after dinner when Tegan sent me a text message that she'll come over with her laptop after she took a shower. Imagining her in the shower with wet hair, water running down on her sexy neck, her breasts, on her flat stomach and disappearing between her legs… it sent a shiver down on my spine right into my core. That was the moment when I opened the window but it didn't help.

I'd already taken a shower, changed the wrap on my arm, shaved my whole body – just in case -, and so I had nothing left to do. I shut my eyes and rubbed my forehead, but it made the whole situation worse. I sighed and pushed my hand down into my tight jeans and find a wet pool down there. I saw the image of Tegan having a shower and touching herself behind my eyelids as I entered myself with two fingers and a moan left my mouth. I teased my nipple with my other hand, eyes still closed and moaned Tegan's name several times while I get closer. I needed my release so bad that it almost hurt.

_Tegan touched her breasts and smiled at me before she continued teasing her nipples with her index and middle fingers. I felt like in a porn movie, just standing there and watching.  
She bit her lips and slowly ran her right hand down on her flat stomach pausing right before the place where I wanted her hand to be. She looked at me again and smirked.  
"Tell me what you want." Her voice was husky and sexy just like I heard it once while she spoke with Lindsey on the phone and thought that I can't hear her.  
"I want you to cum." I told her and she smirked again.  
"I guessed that." She finally touched herself and let out a moan, her head falling back exploding her neck which I wanted to kiss so badly, but I couldn't. She pushed her fingers inside and looked at me under her eyelids, her head still hanging back and bit her lips.  
"Do you like it, Sara?" She was painting and moaned my name. I've never thought that my name could sound so sexy.  
"Sara, I'm…"_

My phone rang and I jumped a bit.  
'I'm coming. J' – A text message from Tegan.  
"Yeah, I know…"

I needed to cum before Tegan knocked on my door. I quickly unzipped my pants and circled my cit, my other hand still pumping; I let out a moan and closed my eyes, concentrating on the warm feeling building up in my body. I was painting heavily and moaned out Tegan's name when I hit a good spot. I let out an incredibly loud moan when I hit my release just in the same moment when Tegan knocked on my door.  
"Fuck" I moaned while I rode out my orgasm. I'd never experienced such an intensive orgasm by touching myself. Tegan knocked once more, this time even tried to open the door.

I had to stop but I felt that I could cum one more time. I quickly cleaned my hands in the sheets and but on my pants. I was still painting a bit and saw that my cheeks are red in the mirror.  
"Fuck." Calm down. She won't know. She can't know what you were doing.

I opened the door, my heart like drums in my ear and tried to steady my breath.  
"Sorry, I was in the bathroom." My voice was husky and Tegan smirked at me.  
"I guessed that" She fucking winked at me. Are you kidding with me? She knew it. I saw it in her eyes and quickly stepped out of the way to avoid eye contact. Her arm lightly touched my breasts and I felt my own pulse in my clit. This was going to be a really long night.

"Uhh, it's a bit cold here." She looked at me and placed her laptop on the bed and sat down, her back hitting the wall and started to open her laptop. I went to the window to close it,  
"I needed some fresh air."  
She just looked at me, from my head down to my feet and back up stopping in my middle for a sec then focused back on her laptop and smiled a bit.  
"Sara… Your zipper… it's down." She said in a low voice and I felt myself blushing as I zipped it up.  
"Thanks." I said embarrassed. She just giggled and I was sure that there was no way she didn't know what I was doing. Shit.  
"So…" I sat down next to her as far as I could "What are we going to watch?" I sat in the same position as her.  
"How about 'Ghost'? I know you love that movie." She looked at me, smiling. She smiled at me a lot which just made everything worse. It'd be easier if she ignored me.  
"Sounds good" I smiled back.

"But I wanted to speak to you first." That's the typical sentence you don't want to hear. What the hell does she want to speak with me about? I took a deep breath and nodded. She couldn't know. I prayed silently, a thing which I didn't do often.

"I… I just wanted to know if you're okay." She looked at me while she spoke than placed the laptop on the nightstand and turned to face me.  
"You've been looking really tired in the last couple of weeks and…" She took a deep breath and looked down before starting to speak "and I know that you're drinking. Again."  
I looked down at my hands. I definitely didn't want this conversation.  
"Sara…" She touched my shoulder lightly but I didn't look in her eyes, I focused on her lips as she formed the words. "Tell me what's wrong. Please." Her hand ran down on my arm taking my hand in hers.  
This was new to me. We never really touched except a few times, sometimes we hugged, sisterly, but that was all.  
She squeezed my hand and I remembered that I had to answer.  
"I don't really know, Tegan. I'm just… Maybe I'm just homesick." I smiled at her trying to act like everything was fine, when in fact it wasn't.  
She shake her head.  
'That's not a reason to drink almost every night, Sara." I turned my head to the side to avoid her gaze. I couldn't do this.  
Do you wanna know why I do these things? Do you really wanna hear that I'm in fucking love with you? With my sister? I would lose everything. I would lose... you.

A tear wanted to escape but I couldn't let her see it. I stood up and went to the window, looking out into the night, my back at her so she couldn't see me silently crying.  
I placed my hand on my mouth trying to mute my sobs and shut my eyes. I felt her body behind me and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I started to shake. She being so close was too much.  
"Shhh.. Sasa.. It'll be okay" she kissed my neck; I felt her hot breath on my skin and I turned around facing her, because I couldn't stand not to hug her. I buried my face in her neck and she rubbed circles on my back, holding me tight. She didn't say anything but walked me to the bed and made me lay down on my side and she lay down next to me. She pulled me close to her, my face buried in her chest, her lips on my forehead.  
I didn't know how long it took me to calm down, but she massaged my scalp until I stopped sobbing than she pulled away. Her eyes looked sad and worried, but I also did see love in them.  
"Tell me what's wrong. Please, Sara. You know that you can tell me everything." She wiped away my tears that were silently running down on my cheek and played with the short hair on my neck, like it was a natural thing, but it wasn't. We never touched like this. We'd never lay down next to each other and cuddle. I didn't even like cuddling and spooning, but with her it felt warm, comfortable and… safe. I hadn't felt these things in a long time.  
"I can't." I took a deep breath. I stopped crying and I felt exhausted. I just wanted to get drank and sleep.  
"I feel… alone. Always. It doesn't matter who I'm with, I feel alone and lonely. I push everyone away." I couldn't look at her so I turned on my back with her hand still around my waist.  
"You're not alone. I'll be always here, with you. You can't do anything to push me away." She started to rub my stomach while she spoke.  
"Believe me Tee, I could." I whispered, didn't really want her to hear it, but I needed to say it.  
"No, you can't. I love you, Sara." I looked at her in a shock, my heart beating so fast and loud that I was afraid she could hear it.

Did you mean it like I do, Tegan? Could you be in love with me? Kiss me? Make love to me? Because I could. Fuck, I would even spoon with you if this made you happy.

"Do you?" I asked her and closed my eyes not wanting to see the world around me. This whole situation started to become really weird. I wanted her to hold me, to kiss me and tell that everything will be okay. I didn't want to have sex I just wanted her to be close, to hear her breathing, feel her arms around me. But I couldn't tell her these things. I couldn't tell her why I started to drink again, that I was afraid that I'm an alcoholic, that I couldn't sleep without alcohol anymore, that I cut myself…

I felt her hot palm on my face and I opened my eyes. She watched me like I was the only woman on the world, like I was the most beautiful thing in the world. What if…?

"More than I should." She whispered and I just stared at her. Is this really happening to me? Is it possible that my worst and best dreams come true in the same moment?  
"And this scares me like hell." She took a deep breath and slowly exhaled.  
"It scares me too." I whispered back.  
"That's why you're drinking, right?" She asked in a low voice and I nodded. Her thumb lightly brushed against my lower lips and she watched my lips as they slowly opened.

Tegan POV:

I watched as her lips slowly opened and I licked my lips. I looked back into her eyes and she was watching my lips so I bit them to tease her. I wanted to kiss her so badly but I was too afraid to do it. _Fuck, Tegan you're not a teen! You can do it._ I tried to convince myself. My heart was beating fast in my chest and when I was about to move, Sara started to speak.

"What are you thinking about?" She asked me, her voice husky from crying. I gasped and hesitantly answered.  
"About kissing you." I touched her lips with my thumb again and bit my lips. I shouldn't have said that.  
"We shouldn't." She sounded sad and desperate.  
"That's what I've been telling to myself since I was a teen."  
"Me too." She chuckled nervously and I giggled too.

"We shouldn't…" She repeated herself.  
"But I want to. I'm tired of hiding how I feel." I said in a low voice.

She turned on her side so her body was facing mine, put her hand on my hips and inched closer to me.  
"How do you feel?" She asked me, her breathing came out ragged and I noticed that mine was heavy, too.  
"I feel like…" my voice left me and I had to clear my throat. "I feel like… I might be in love with you."

I ran down my hand on her arm, stopping on her naked forearm and rubbing little circles on her skin why I waited for her to answer. I really hoped that she felt the same and I wasn't just imagining everything. I would be like a knife in my heart.  
She slowly exhaled and I prepared myself to the worst. My body tensed as I watched her and she must felt it because she started to rub my hip and her hand travelled to my lower back rubbing circles through my shirt.

She didn't say anything and I wanted to pull away but she held me tight and didn't let me move. She leaned in and I closed my eyes when I felt her soft lips on mine. The kiss was salty at the beginning – I could still taste her tears on her lips. We didn't move for a few seconds, we just enjoyed the fact that our lips were touching. I slowly moved my lips, feeling her grip tighten on my hips when she returned the kiss. She gently licked my lower lips and this sent a shiver down on my spine. I placed my hand on her neck, pulling her even closer to me and I lightly moaned when her tongue met mine. She smiled into our kiss and this made me smile too. She gave me one more kiss and slowly pulled away placing her head down on the pillow.  
I smiled at her and ran my hand down and up her arm a few times and accidentally pulled her sleeve up a bit and my fingertips touched something under the material of her shirt.


	3. Whiskey lullaby

**Note:** I promised to a good friend of mine that I'll upload this chapter today before she gets home but I'm a bit late... Anyways, I dedicate this chapter to you. Hope you'll like it!

Chapter 3: Whiskey lullaby

Sara POV

My eyes went wide open when her fingers pulled my shirt sleeve up and she touched the gauze around my arm. This was too much. _She can't find out that I cut myself, not now; I'm not ready yet to admit that I'm sick. _

But it was too late; she frowned and pulled the material totally above the white gauze.  
"What's this?" She asked confused.  
"It's… gauze." Congrats Sara, really smart answer. My brain was working overtime, trying to figure out a lie, a good one, but I knew that lying would only make it worse. She loves me, this means I can tell her everything. I can but I'm afraid to.  
"I know what this is. But why is your arm wrapped up?" She looked at me, her eyes worried and sad like she'd already known my answer.  
"I… it was… " my voice trailed of and I had to close my eyes to finish my sentence. I took a deep breath and finally said it.  
"I cut myself." I opened my eyes and she gulped looking back at my arm. It really hurt me to tell her. She'll ask me why I did it and I'll have to be honest with her, even if it hurts.

She opened her mouth a few times before she spoke. I could tell that she was really scared and worried.  
"Can I see it?" I gulped. I didn't expect her to ask this and I wasn't sure if I wanted to show them to her. I didn't only have those six lines – I had almost twenty or so… I've never counted them.

"You… you don't want to." Or at least, I don't want you to.  
"Please, Sara." She begged in a low voice, tears in her eyes and her thumb lightly draw circles on my arm right under the gauze.  
"I know that I caused them… I want to see what I did to you." The tears ran down on her cheeks and I wiped them away with my fingertips. I touched the soft and warm skin of her face. I knew that it had to be soft but I didn't really feel it with my left hand – the calluses made my fingers insentient. But I did feel the blame through her eyes. I couldn't let her blame herself for the things I did to myself.  
"It's not your fault, Tee. It's mine, because I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't strong enough to stand before you and tell you what's going on whenever you asked me if I'm okay. I've never been strong enough… I started drinking because I couldn't stand myself. I hate myself in every moment and alcohol takes my thoughts away, it makes me feel numb and helps me fall asleep." She was still crying silently and I could tell that she wasn't going to stop, so I just kept speaking, anyway. I had to get all those things out of me. I took a deep breath and slowly exhaled while I noticed that I was silently crying, too. I cried so much lately that I didn't even know when I was doing it. I just… didn't pay attention to tears anymore.

"I cut myself because it takes my pain away." She wanted to say something but I cut her off by lightly shaking my head.  
"When I'm full of my feelings, which really hurt, than the only thing that can take them away is physical pain." I stared at her collarbone why I spoke only making eye contact for a moment when I finished my sentence. I couldn't stand her tears. I lightly traced my fingers along her collarbone, enjoying her skin, warm and safe. I placed my hand on her chest above her breasts – my fingers on the starting of her neck so I could feel her strong and a bit fast pulse.

"I… don't really understand you." I really could tell that she wanted to understand me, she needed my explanation, I could tell it by the way her eyes were filled with confusion and concentration.  
"It's like…" I started passionately but my voice went off, unsure of what I wanted to say. I ran my hand through my hair and I let out a loud sigh.

"It's like…" I placed my hand back on her chest and lightly rubbing her skin with my fingertips. It made me calm.

"I'm a well, without water. Every feeling, every secret, everything I have, I place them into little boxes and throw them into that well. But it's not an endless well so from time to time, it reaches a point, when it's full. That's when I need something to make the well empty again, but nothing can make it empty. But cutting… Physical pain, it can take the most of my boxes away and makes me feel better for some days. I can only focus on the physical pain instead of the pain inside my soul and it makes me relaxed. I forget about some boxes while I'm suffering from my cuts so I have some space for new boxes. But then… when the well is full again… I need pain again. It's like a never-ending war with myself." I lightly chuckled through my tears which started to fall again while I spoke.  
She was crying, too, in silence, so I placed a light kiss on her lips to calm her. I felt her salty tears on her lips. She started to lightly shake, her eyes closed but tears still running down on her face. I kissed her nose and she smiled a bit so I kissed her smile. It felt so good, so… natural. I wiped away her tears and she did the same with mine.  
She took a deep breath and it looked like she was going to calm down.  
"Can…" She cleared her throat "Can I see them?" She asked again, her tears started to stop but I was sure that I'll see them again when I show them to her.  
I but my lips, I was still afraid but nodded. I slowly sat up and so did she. She leaned back to the wall and I sat next to her, facing her and my legs crossed. I pulled up my sleeve and started to unwrap the gauze. My breathing was fast and my heartbeat too. I unwrapped my arm but covered the cuts with my hand and looked at her. She was watching me is silence and squeezed my knee to give me some strength.  
I took a deep breath – for like the hundredth time tonight – and took my hand away. I held my arm out so she could watch my cuts. I looked down on my lap, my tears covered with my hair. I counted my cuts from the corner of my eyes. 36 lines. 6 of them fresh, 6 almost healed the others only scars. They'll stay with me for the rest of my live, remembering me what I've been through.

Tegan was still in silent so I looked up at her. She watched my face and not my cuts as I expected. Her face was moist from the tears and I was sure mine looked the same. She looked me directly in the eyes, like she could see the very deep of my soul and in that moment I believed that she can. I tried to hold back my tears but I couldn't. I was so small in that moment, so scared of the whole world… I always look strong and confident but in the inside I'm scared of so many things… That moment I was my true self; small, scared and vulnerable.  
I couldn't really see Tegan's face through my tears and the same moment I felt a tear running down on my cheek a sob escaped my mouth. I closed my eyes to shut out the world, I felt myself falling down in my own well, I felt like all my boxes were around me, trying to strangle me, I started to drawn in my own ocean of hidden feelings, I wanted to take a deep breath but I couldn't, my lungs weren't working, I needed my puffer but I couldn't reach out and grab it, although I knew that it was on the nightstand.  
"Teg…" I tried to say her name but I failed.  
I felt something being pushed to my mouth and I quickly grab it, the familiar feeling of my puffer made me react and I grab it over Tegan's fingers.  
_Push, inhale, exhale. Push, inhale, exhale. In, out. In, deeply, out, wait. In, out._

I only concentrated on my breathing and I felt my body coming back to life. That was when I realised that Tegan was holding me tight, her arms wrapped around me, her mouth next to my ear.  
"It's okay Sasa… I'm here… Everything will be okay. I've got you." Her voice was low and husky but strong. She rocked us back and forth, her hand never once stopped drawing big circles on my back. I sighed and turned my head to the side and inhaled her scent. She smelled so good, it was better that the scent of the first cup of coffee in the morning, it was like heaven. I placed my hand on her neck, feeling her strong heartbeat and wrapped the other around her.

She slowly stopped rocking but still held me. I felt her breathing on my neck and I was sure she could feel mine on hers, too. She kissed my neck under my ear than my cheek, lightly brushing her lips along my cheekbone. I lightly smiled. This moment was so perfect and safe. I was safe with her. I sighed and smiled again when I pulled away a bit to look into her eyes.

Her eyes were puffy and red, filled with sadness and love. I was so close to her that I saw every eyelash around her eyes; they were moist from her tears.

"Thank you." I whispered and she weakly smiled at me. I lightly pushed my face to hers enjoying the feeling of her being so close to me. I wrapped my arms around her neck, pulling her even closer to me and I felt her taking a deep breath and exhaling it slowly. She rubbed my back up and down a few times before leaning back to the bed pulling my body with hers.

I lay half on her, my face on the pillow next to hers and she turned her head to the side so we were facing each other, our noses almost touching. I rubbed her collarbone with one of my hands and she lazily rubbed the skin on my lower back between my pants and t-shirt. Her other hand grabbed mine and she placed it on her face, snuggling into it, closing her eyes before she kissed my palm and placed it back on her chest. We lay so for a couple of minutes than she started to speak.  
"I wanna help you." She ran her thumb on the back of my hand up and down. "Will you let me help?" She asked seriously and I nodded.  
"You have to stop ruining yourself." I looked down at her neck. I felt like a little child. I didn't really need her to tell me what I should do – I knew it, I was just to weak to do so.  
"You have to stop drinking." She wasn't lecturing me, she was just honest and worried.  
"I know." I murmured.  
"I know that it won't be easy." She kissed my nose and touched my chin with her index finger to motion me to look up at her. "But I'm here to help you. Let me in." I nodded and she weakly smiled at me, her eyes lighting up for a second but then she became serious again.  
"And you need to…" she looked down on my arm, unable to say it out loudly. I nodded, knowing what she meant.  
"Can you do it?" She asked and I swallowed thinking about it. There's no way I can come off of cutting and drinking alone, but with her help and support I felt like I was able to do it.  
"Yes, but not alone." I confessed. She nodded and smiled a bit.  
"I didn't expect you to do it alone. I'll help you." She kissed my forehead and pressed her face to me. We fell back into silence for a bit.  
"We should sleep. It's late and I think we are exhausted." She rubbed my back started to get up. She sat on the edge of the bed and I on the middle.  
"Do you want me to sleep here?" She asked me, her eyesd filled with hope and I nodded in relief. I would have never asked her to but it was obvious that I needed her to sleep with me.  
"Okay." She smiled and got up and started to unbuckle her belt. I immediately felt really nervous and it wasn't because she was going to be half naked in a minute, it was because I knew that I couldn't sleep without alcohol.

I gulped and quickly got up before she pulled down her pants and started to search my big sleeping shirt on the top of my suitcase. I tried to convince myself that I can fell asleep without alcohol. My hands started to shake and I had to swallow the big amount of saliva in my mouth of the thought of alcohol. I quickly undressed, my back to Tegan and inhaled deeply as I put the baggy shirt on and slowly made my way to the bed but turned back to turn off the light. The dark only made my body shake more than before and I inhaled deeply, again, to calm down.

_It's okay Sara. You don't need alcohol. Tee is here, she'll make sure that you'll fell asleep, you won't have nightmares, it's Tee, it's safeness. _

I laid down under the covers and Tegan put her arms around me, pulling me closes to her and putting her leg over mine. I felt her bare and warm skin on my thighs. She gently rubbed my stomach just as I've always imagined she would do it. I calmed down and stopped shaking but I was afraid to close my eyes. I gulped loudly and tried to push the thought of drinking away. _A glass of wine wouldn't cause any trouble… or some whiskey… Stop_. I felt uncomfortable, I stirred a bit and Tegan loosened her grip on me to let me move. I turned on my side and buried my face into my hand. My hand was shaking, and slowly my whole body did so. I was an alcoholic. I needed alcohol. I felt anxious of the thought that I can't drink tonight.  
Tegan sighed behind me and turned on her back. She laid so for a bit and my tears started to fill my eyes. She turned on the lamp on the nightstand and got out of the bed.  
"Where's it, Sara?" She asked in a low, exhausted voice. I gasped and cleared my throat.  
"In my suitcase." I admitted it lowly. She went over, searched a bit between my clothes and took the half bottle of whiskey out. She went to the bathroom and fear washed over me.  
_She is going to spill it out! _A voice screamed inside of me and my tears started to fall harder, my whole body tensed. I was going to die without alcohol tonight.

I heard her coming back and I shut my eyes. I was afraid to see the empty bottle in her hands.

I felt that she sat down next to me and I looked up at her. She placed down the bottle on the nightstand and offered me a gall in her hands, half with whiskey. I gulped. I couldn't believe this.  
I slowly sat up my eyes never leaving the glass in her hand.  
"Drink it." She said lowly and held out the glass before me. I looked at her with fear. I was to afraid to drink it. What if this is a test and she'll leave if I fail?  
"Sara, you need it. You can't quit drinking so fast. I know _it_, Sara."

Every muscle in my body tensed as I tried to hold myself back but she was right. I needed it. Maybe tomorrow I'll drink less and one day slowly I'll be able to say no. But now… I need it.  
"I'm… Am I alcoholic, Tee?" I asked her afraid of the answer.  
"Are you?" She asked back although she knew the answer.  
"Yeah, I am." My voice only came out as a whisper.  
"Admitting is the first step, Sare. Drink it." I grab the glass and slowly drink it without stopping, the warm liquid went down on my throat, it calmed me down and my hands stopped shaking. When I pulled the glass away from my mouth it was empty and I held my eyes closed when I licked the whiskey from my lips. I opened my eyes, I felt so calm that I wanted to smile, but Tegan was staring at me with care and I felt guilty.

She took the glass away and purred some whiskey into it but this time not so much, only a slip and gave it back to me. I looked at her questioning. She nodded and I drank it, this time slowly, admiring the taste of it.

She got up and placed the bottle back into my suitcase. She turned off the lamp and got under the covers. I felt shame and didn't know if she still wanted to cuddle with me so I didn't move. She turned to me and rubbed my stomach.  
"Come here." She whispered and I inched closer to here. She kissed my lips and quilt washed over me again because I knew that she could taste the alcohol. She kissed me with passion, like she wanted to show me how much she loved me and cared. She licked my lower lip and my mouth fell open giving her the permission to show her tongue in my mouth. She grabbed my hips and I felt our kiss deepen and I grab her neck to pull her closer. She bit my lover lip and I lightly moaned, my had was spinning from the whiskey and from her touch.

She broke our kiss and watched me from a few inches, her breathing heavy and a bit ragged.  
"Try to sleep, Sasa." She kissed me one more time and placed her head back on the pillow. I sighed happily and buried my face into her warm neck. I inhaled her scent deeply and closed my eyes.

In that moment, I was safe and I believed that with Tegan, everything will be alright.


	4. I'm with you

Chapter 4: I'm with you

Sara POV

It was just her touch on my skin. I couldn't think of anything else, just of her wandering hands. And she asked me, in a low, sensitive voice.

„What are you thinking of?"

What could I think, my God, what else could I think when you're here, and you're not just simply here, you're touching me, you're touching my skin with that soft hands of yours! I wish this moment would last forever; time would stop forever and we would stay here forever, you'd touch my body forever and I'd feel it forever. I think of how much I love you, and I wanna shout out it to the world so everybody could hear that I love you. I think that this is like dancing, and we did the first steps like years ago, and since that we're playing with each other, we dance the moves of lust, we speak the words of lust. I want to dance more because my heart is dancing, too.

„Nothing special." I lied. She hummed and kissed my neck. It was early morning and the sun was shining through the curtains. Tegan stretched next to me and yawned, her bed head made me giggle.  
"What?" She asked and smiled at me while resting on her elbow, her head on her palm and hovered her face over me.  
"You're adorable" I crossed my arms behind her neck and she rolled her eyes but leaned in and gave me a kiss. I hummed into out kiss and she smiled so my kiss landed on her teeth and I bite her lip.

She hovered her body over mine and rested herself on her arms, our legs entangled. I ran a hand through her hair enjoying the feeling of her warm body on mine. I put my hand under her t-shirt through the hole at her neck and lightly scratched her skin with my short nails. She moaned into our kiss and this was my turn to smile.

She grabbed my ass and squeezed it hard, my head fell back down and I closed my eyes. She kissed my neck lightly then pulled away and quickly got out of the bed. I just looked at her in shock.  
"What? You can't leave right now!" I almost yelled at her in frustration. She just stood next to the bed, her arms next to her body and she was breathing heavily. Her blue boy underwear was pulled up releasing her thighs fully, and I could see her nipples through her grey t-shirt.  
"I want you, Sara." She shake her head "But I don't wanna rush. I want to take things… slowly." She bite her lip and sat down next to me, and I sat up, our faces only inches apart.

"Please, understand, that this is… new. For both of us." She took my hand in hers and lightly draw circles on my skin with her thumb.  
"I want to be sure that this isn't going to break both of us. I want to fix you, not break." I nodded and slowly leaned in, unsure if she'd kiss me back, but she did. The kiss only lasted for a few sec, I just wanted to show her that I trust her, and that this was okay. I wanted to smile, but her sentence came back into my mind. _Going to break us. _What if… this will break us? Mentally? What if someone finds out? This whole thing, this is illegal, our family, the fans, friends… we can loose everything.

"Tee.." my voice was really low and I cleared my throat "what if we fail? What if… it'll break us?" I asked, afraid of the answer. I don't want her to leave. I didn't have nightmares last night, and I wasn't even drank, I only drank two glasses of whiskey, and I didn't have to drink alone, she was here, with me. She didn't let me drink in my self alone. She held me during the night. She kept my monsters away.

She thought about it before she spoke. And when she did so, her voice was calm.

„If we fail, then I'll undertake it. No one will ever know that there was a night when I kissed you. We'll keep in secret that there was a morning when I was afraid to move next to you. And we'll never tell anyone that I held you in my arms during the night."

The way she spoke made me realize that she really wanted this, us, and that she'll take responsibility with me if we fail, if things turn into something bad, if we ruin everything… she'll be with me, she'll take care of me under any cirumstances.

I felt a little tear running down my cheek and she whipped it away. I leaned in and kissed her, our lips dancing and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I placed my hand on the warm skin of her tight, drawing circles with my fingers. I wanted to deepen the kiss but she didn't let me do it; she slowly pulled away.  
"We have to hurry up." She said with a sigh. "We have to check out in an hour." I sighed and leaned my forehead on hers. She lightly kissed my nose and then my forehead, earning a small smile from me.

I watched her as she put on her pants and gathered her stuff. I didn't want to go back to being "sisters". I just wanted to be with her. I didn't want to be her sister; I wanted to be her lover. I wanted to hold her hand, to kiss her wherever I wanted, to do bad things with her…  
I closed my eyes, and my hand found its way to my upper arm, and I grabbed it, the pain causing me to whimper.

Tegan POV  
I heard a small noise so I looked back at Sara over my shoulder as I adjusted my belt. She was holding her upper arm tightly, pain written all over her face as she put pressure on the cuts.  
"Sara!" I almost yelled at her and kneeled before her. Her eyes widened and she looked at me in shock, I scared her. I tried to calm her; I put my hand on hers, lightly pulling her finger away and taking her hand into mine.  
"Sara… please, don't hurt yourself." I asked her, my voice low and calm. She looked at me with wide eyes, still scared of my yelling. I had to calm her down.  
I got between her legs and wrapped my arms around her middle, hiding my face in the crock of her neck, inhaling her sweet scent.  
"Please, don't hurt yourself. I'm here. I'm not going to leave. I know, it's going to be difficult, we have to act like sister, like if I don't wanna kiss you or hold your hand, when in fact that's the only thing I want." I kissed her neck, and her body relaxed a bit. She slowly wrapped her arms around me, and I embraced the warmth of her body for a few seconds before pulling away.  
Her eyes were filled with tears, and I could tell that she was worried, too.  
"I'm sorry." She started. "I just… I don't want to be alone." She looked at the floor between our bodies, and I took her face in my hands, making she look into my eyes.  
"You're not alone." I told her. "I…" I wanted to say that I love her, and this time I meant it like I'm in love with her, but I was afraid to tell her.  
"I'm with you." I placed a kiss on her lips. "Do you hear me?" I asked her and she nodded.  
"You're here…" she repeated. I nodded.  
"And I'm not going to leave you alone." I kissed her one more time and stood up. I just realized that I had to leave, even when I said I wouldn't.  
"I'll be back in thirty minutes, and we can go and have breakfast before checking out, is this okay?" I asked her, leaning a bit down to make eye contact. She nodded and smiled; I smiled back and kissed her. I was addicted to her lips, I couldn't get enough of them. I told her that I wanted to take things slow, and I really meant it but she made it so difficult…  
She grabbed my neck and pulled me with her and soon I was laying on her, her legs wrapped around my middle. I had to stop this, but I couldn't, I wanted her. I bite her lip and she moaned into our kiss and I pulled away, trying to catch my breath.  
"Babe, I have to go. We need to go."

"I know." She answered and kissed me one more time before letting me go. I helped her to got off the bed and she walked me to the door, opening it to me. I turned back to her with my laptop in my hand. I looked around to see if anyone could see us but the floor was empty so I leaned in and quickly gave her a peck on her lips. I winked at her before turning away and I heard her giggle before she closed the door.  
She was depressed, alcoholic and she cut herself, and all because of me. Because I was too blind to realize that she feels the same. I really have to fix her or both of us will break. She, because she won't be able to take things anymore, and me because I'm not able to live without her.


	5. We've just got started

**I do apologize for every mistake I have.**

Chapter 5: We've just got started

Tegan's P.O.V

I watched as Sara kneeled in front of the open fridge. It was dark on the tour bus, the crew already sleeping in their bunks. I was half asleep when I heard Sara getting up and coming out of the bunk area, so I followed her.  
I swallowed nervously as I watched her taking out a bottle of beer and holding it in her shaking hands. She hadn't drunk since the night at the hotel. It was 4 days ago. Since that she also haven't really slept – She had dark circles under her eyes, her hands were shaking when she didn't have something in them and she was out of focus.  
She'd wake me up in the middle of the night and I had to lay with her until she fell asleep again. She told me that alcohol keeps her nightmares away, and so do I. She really needed me, especially in these days. She gave me her razor and the bottle of whiskey she had in her suitcase – she told me that she didn't want the temptation. I could totally understand her. Last night the boys drank some beer backstage so I came back with Sara to the bus. This was the first time since our last kiss in the hotel when we could be together. We just lay in my bunk, our legs entangled, and talked about random things. She told me about her nightmares, which were always the same. Someone chasing her in the forest, she always wanted to run but couldn't. Her legs just didn't work, doesn't matter how hard she tried to run away, and when she fell down- and she always fell down to the ground, her chaser found her. Her hands were covered with blood and she had a knife in her hand, a big black coat covered her body, and when she smiled, Sara saw herself. She was running away from herself in her dreams. She was running away from her demons, and every time she finally woke up, she was covered with sweat and she cried. Her days were a torture because she couldn't touch me like she wanted, and her nights because she was trying to hide from herself.  
She cried when she told me this, and I kissed her, trying to sooth her. Things got carried away, and soon the passion which I kissed her to show her that everything will be fine turned into lust, our breathes came out ragged and our hearts were beating fast against each other as our chests pressed together, making our nipples hard. I remembered how she moaned when I squeezed her bum and I could still feel her warm hand on my stomach. I was about to gave in, and take off her shirt, I was ready to make love to her, although I said I wouldn't, but my phone disturbed us. One of the guys called me to let them in. I was really disappointed in that moment, but now I'm glad we didn't have sex. I was still scared. I was scared and not because Sara was my sister, I was scared because I've never loved anyone like this before. I've always been in love with her – she was my first crush, the person whose name I moaned when I first touched myself, the person who made me realize that I'm gay… She'd always been there in my life and not like my sister, I just never thought that this could happen that we could be together, so I pushed my feelings away and told myself that she only thinks of me as a sister. If I only had knew what I know now ten years ago… My life wouldn't be a mess and she'd be happy, with me…

I was really worried before tonight's show. She couldn't even hold the pick in her hand when she strummed the guitar and her voice was shaking every time a high note came out of her mouth. I made her drink a glass of wine so she could make through the show, but now I knew that it was my fault that she had that beer in her hand. I watched her, still in silent, waiting what was going to happen. I prayed for God to give her the strength to deny alcohol.  
She swallowed big, I could see it, and licked her lips, her hands lightly rubbing the side of the bottle. Her eyes focused on the bottle and I was afraid that she'll give up and drink it, so I started to walk toward her. My sweatpants made a little noise on the floor and I played with the hem of my shirt nervously. I stopped right ext to her but she still didn't notice me. I crouched next to her and put my hand on her shoulder.  
"Sara." I didn't speak loudly but I still scared her, she almost dropped the bottle and she looked at me with big eyes, filled with fear.  
"Tegan…" Her voice was high and tears filled her eyes so I gave a squeeze to her shoulder.  
"I did… I didn't" She started to shook her head so roughly that I was afraid that it'll fall down. "I didn't want to drink it, I… I just…" She looked back at the bottle and tried to place it back in the fridge but her hands were shaking and the bottle fell out of her hand.  
"I know, Sara." I said and I rubbed her back up and down. I knew that she wanted to drink it, and that she would have done it if I didn't disturb her.  
She looked at me, her eyes filled with tears. I sighed and pull her into a hug, closing the fridge door so we were sitting on the floor in the dark. I felt her tears on my shoulder and she was lightly shaking but didn't let out a noise. I rubbed her back and kissed her skin where I could reach it, trying to make her fears go away.  
"Tee…" She whispered in my neck "I… I almost …" Her voice went off but I knew what she wanted to say so I kissed her temple and simply nodded.  
"I know."  
"I'm so sorry…" She started to sob and her shoulders were shaking against my body.  
"Hey" I pulled her face away from me and make her look at me. We couldn't really see each other in the dark but I felt the tears running down on her cheeks and her heavy breaths hit my lips each time she exhaled.  
"You don't have to be sorry. Can you hear me, Sara?" I lightly shook her. "It's not your fault."  
"How do you know?" She asked in disbelief and I sighed. It was our fault. Mine because I rejected my feelings and her because she was too weak, but I couldn't say this to her.  
I pressed my lips at hers and instantly felt her tears when she kissed me back. I made sure not to deepen the kiss, although I wanted her so much, but not like this. Not on the floor of a tour bus when our whole crew was sleeping only meters away. I wanted our time to be romantic, and not a quick fuck. I wanted her to feel my love and not the coldness of the floor.  
I slowly pulled away and rested my forehead on hers.  
"Come." I whispered and lead us back to the bunk area. She hesitantly stopped before hr bunk and looked at me. I pulled away the curtains and motioned her to get in. I lay down next to her and closed the curtain. I wrapped her in her blanket and wrapped my arms and leg around her body. I felt her body melt and relay under my touch and the warm of the blanket. I kissed her cheeks and she lightly smiled. I continued to kiss her face, I kissed her jaw and her neck under her ear and she sharply inhaled. I smiled against her skin and gently bit her earlobe and I heard her gasp. She was so easy to tease…  
She turned her face to the side and we kissed. I felt her lick my lower lip and this time it was my turn to gasp when her tongue met mine. I tried so hard not to moan when I felt her hand in my hair. I got on top of her, the blanket still between our bodies. I placed one of my hands on her shoulder and held my weight with the other. I moved down to her neck, tasting and savouring her skin. I could understand why the fans went crazy about her neck… I could kiss is it my whole life and never get tired of it.  
She moaned when I bit her neck and I pulled away.  
"Shh…" I kissed her lips and she wrapped her arms around me neck pulling me even closer. I was lying between her legs, her knees around my middle. I was glad that the blanket was still between us because if it wasn't, I would have showed my hands down into her pants…  
She kissed my neck and sucked on my earlobe and my eyes rolled back. I bit down on my lips really hard to stay quiet, but she grab my ass and I started to grind my hips against her and I heard her gasp at the feeling.  
I pulled myself up on my hand trying to get away from her body. I was shaking and my head was spinning from her kisses and her touch… My body was arching to touch her; I wanted to feel her everywhere. I closed my legs to ignore the wetness down there and looked at her although I couldn't see her in the dark. I shook my head, trying to think of something which didn't involved doing the horizontal tango with her in a tiny bunk.  
"I'm sorry." She whispered. I gave her a peck on her lips and lowered myself next to her.  
I kissed her cheek and sighed. I couldn't stay in a bunk with her.  
"Go to sleep, babe." She nodded and gave me one last kiss before I got out of her bunk. I squeezed her hand before I closed the curtain and went to my bunk. I listened to a bit, but I didn't hear anything, it seemed like everyone was sleeping. Thanks God.

Sara's P.O.V.  
I curled into a ball when Tegan left my bunk.  
It was a fucking bad day. I couldn't focus on anything, I couldn't even strum my guitar right, and then Tegan made me drink a glass of wine before the show. Even if it made me want to drink more, I knew that this was the only way I could make the show without really big mistakes.  
I thought I'd be okay tonight, but my body just didn't stop shaking, and I couldn't deny the urge to at least check if there's some beer in the fridge. And of course, there was. I lost myself when I felt he bottle in my hand. I could feel the cold taste of beer in my mouth and I was about to open the bottle when Tegan stopped me. She was the only reason I didn't drink it.  
And now, after all these things I was horny, but I could tell that Tegan was, too. The way she touched me, and when her hips moved against my center… I let out a deep sigh.

I couldn't even count how many times I've touched myself in the last 4 days to sooth the throbbing feeling between my legs. I always thought of Tegan, and when I entered myself I imagined her fingers deep inside of me, her thumb rubbing my clit, her fingers moving in and out in me… I started to pant as I felt the hot feeling building up in my abdomen. I put my left hand on my mouth to mute my moans when I cum. I cum so had that the word went dark for a couple of seconds and my body was shaking. I felt myself clenching around my own fingers, I kept my hand on my mouth as I came down from my high.  
I slowly brought my fingers up to my face and felt my own sex on my fingers. I hesitated for a moment before I put my fingers into my mouth, tasting my self. I wondered if Tegan tastes the same. Is she sweeter than me? Is she the same? I didn't know, but I couldn't wait to figure it out. I wanted her so much that it caused me physical pain. I'm not a sexmaniac, I don't always wanna have sex with her, but since I can't touch her whenever I want, and we haven't slept together yet, right know going down on her is on my mind almost all the time. Actually, it helps to avoid alcohol. Having daydreams about Tegan keep my thought of alcohol and cutting away.  
I gave my razor to Tegan, but I didn't tell her that I have an other one, too. It'd be really good to cut right now. I could sleep better. And I'd hurt Tegan what I didn't want. Maybe tomorrow, after shower… If I'd cut my thigh she couldn't notice it since she doesn't want to have sex with me, she wants to wait.  
She's afraid, too, and I couldn't blame her. Let's see what we've got here. A kind, caring protecting woman, and a depressed, alcoholic one who has self-harm problems. Add the fact that they're in love, and mix this whole thing with the fact that they're sisters. Man, if this would be a movie we'd win at least 5 Oscars.


	6. Sisters on a Hotel Bed

**Chapter 6: Sisters on a Hotel Bed  
"**_I know the world's been mean to you, I've got a cure, hold tight._"_  
The Cure_

* * *

Sara's P.O.V.

"Sara…"  
"What?" I snapped and looked angrily at Ted with my book in my hands. Why can't they just leave me alone?!  
"Um.. I just wanted to ask if you want some coffee." He said with wide eyes and I felt guilt.  
"Oh.. Sorry, Ted." I looked down at my book, embarrassed.  
"Yeah, I would like some, please." I flashed him an apologetic smile and he nodded before turning back to the coffee maker. I nervously played with the sleeve of my sweater and sighed. I really have to stop being such a bitch with everyone. I've been really tense lately but Tegan could calm me down just by saying my name lowly or touching my back. She made me relaxed in a second even if I wanted to kill everyone near me, she was the only exception. But last night I yelled at her, too.

I wanted to know if I could go through a show without alcohol. Everything went good until we got off the stage. At the moment when Tegan made a little joke about me messing up the lyrics of Knife Going In, my skin just broke and I let all my tension break free of me. I yelled at her, called her a bitch, made fun of her messing up I Know and Call It Off almost every time we played them. She just looked at me, totally calm, and this made me even angrier. She stood there while I shouted right into her face and I saw nothing in her eyes just love and sympathy. This was the point when I totally broke down. My voice went off, I started to stutter and cry. Tears were running down on my face and my sobs filled the air. I looked at our band over Tegan's shoulder and I saw them standing there with wide eyes. I wanted to turn around, to hide but Tegan grabbed me by my waist and pulled me into a tight hug. I hid my face into her neck and inhaled the scent of her body wash mixed with slightly sweat. She whispered sweet nothings into my ear and rubbed my back while I cried. Soon my sobs stopped and I finally looked up, noticing that the guys were gone.  
"Better?" She asked me and wiped my tears away. I nodded.  
She leaned in and placed a simple kiss on my lips. It didn't last long but I could still feel the butterflies going crazy in my stomach. This was our first kiss in two day and a sigh of relief escaped from my mouth. I haven't realised how much I needed her. We smiled at each other and I was about to lean in and kiss her when a knock on the door disturbed us and we pulled away.

A light touch on my shoulder woke me up from my daydream and I smiled at Ted who placed the mug down in front of me. He smiled back and went to the bunk area with his coffee. I looked into the black liquid and blow it a few times.  
I heard some voices laughing and talking in the back of the bus but I couldn't figure them out, and I didn't really care, either. I looked out of the window at the moving landscape next to the bus. It was about 2 pm and our driver told me earlier that we were going to arrive in an hour. We didn't have a show that night and I was really thankful for that.  
My coffee was hot and a bit bitter but I liked it that way. I smiled a bit when I remembered that Tegan told me that my kisses usually taste like coffee. I was really looking forward to tonight. We'll stay in a room tonight and then tomorrow too. Two nights in a real bed with Tegan.  
"What are you thinking about?"  
I hadn't noticed that Tegan sat down across me at the table and I looked at her shocked for a second but then I lightly smiled and grabbed my mug.  
"About you." I answered and took a sip of my coffee. She let out a "Hmm" sound and licked her lips. I just shook my head lightly at her cockiness and felt her legs hooking around mine under the table. I squeezed them and she smirked before reaching out and taking a sip of my coffee.  
"Hey!" I lightly kicked her legs.  
"Uhh… this is really bitter." She made a disgusted face and I laughed again. It didn't matter what mood I was in, she always cheered me up. She placed the mug back in front of me and started giggling.  
"But I know something that is sweeter." She winked at me and I blushed. Did she really just refer to my…? No way.  
She laughed and I tried to hide my face behind my mug as she stood up and grab an apple from the counter and started heading back to the bunk area. I almost fell down from the bench as I watched her ass and hips swaying. Can't we just already be at the hotel?

* * *

I locked the door and smiled. Finally. Room. Bed. Tegan…

I turned around leaving my suitcase next to the door and found Tegan laying on her front on the bed, her face buried in one of the many pillows. She looked like an adorable exhausted kid who just got home from school. Except that kids don't have such a sexy ass in camo leggings.  
I stepped closer to her, still smiling.  
"Are you tired?" I asked, rubbing her leg just above her knee and placed my phone and the room key down on the nightstand. She let out a muffled growl and turned her head to the side, looking up at me.  
"Not really… but my back hurts like hell." She scratched, trying to get the ache out of her back and I could see the pain written all over her face. Suddenly I got an idea.

"Do you want a massage?" I asked with an innocent smile.  
"Would you?" She asked with big puppy eyes, making me giggle again.  
"Sure. Take of your shirt."

I went to my suitcase to grab some body lotion. I searched through it, didn't really care about turning the neat stocks of clothes into a big mess.

I was really happy that day, what made me feel a bit anxious because I was afraid that some minutes will pass by and I'll find myself sitting on the bed and thinking about drinking or cutting. Happiness made me nervous because I could never know when it'll fade away.  
_Stop._ _You need positive thoughts. _I kept telling myself this and sometimes I felt like it worked but sometimes it just made me feel even more desperate. My eyes went to the little secret pocket on the left side of the suitcase. I lightly touched it and I could feel the razor blade through the thin material… I swallowed hard and got up with the body lotion in my hand and seeing pictures of my bleeding arm instead of the room. I shook my head, turned my attention to the bed and gasped.

I almost dropped the lotion to the floor; I had to reach for it with my other hand because I felt it sliding out from my grip.  
Tegan was laying on her front but this time topless. I expected her to leave her bra on but I could see the black clothing on the floor next to the bed with along her shirt and jacket.  
She rested her head on her arms, her eyes closed and I was grateful that she couldn't see me standing there like a nerd with my mouth slightly open, staring at the beautiful curves of her body. I could see the side of her breast… I swallowed hard again and gathered myself together when she opened her eyes and looked at me questioningly. I flashed her a smile and she returned it before closing her eyes again.

I made my way to the bed and throw my leg over her bottom, sitting right below her nice ass and looking down at her. She lightly smiled, her bangs falling in her eyes. I tucked them behind her ear then traced the black ink on her upper arm, writing the words 'Justify my love' with my calloused fingertips.  
"I really like this tattoo." I told her. She looked up at me, smiling and nodded.  
"Yeah, I know."  
I sighed, trying to get myself out of my sentimental tune.  
"So… ready?" I asked and without warning or waiting for her answer I poured some cold lotion on her back and she hissed, lifting her upper body and shifting underneath me. I gasped when she pushed her ass into my crotch but hid it with some giggles.  
"Oh… sorry… was it cold?" I asked in a sweet voice, looking at her like a deer in the headlight.  
"You know it was…" She tried to act like she was angry but I could see the small smile in the corner of her lips.  
"Want me to make it up to you?" I asked seductively, rubbing the lotion into her skin, sliding my fingers up and down on her spine before adding some pressure. She lightly moaned and the sound sent a shiver down on my own spine right into my core.

I leaned down to place a light kiss on her temple and started to massage her shoulders, doing little circles with my thumbs, rubbing the tense out of the back of her neck, earning low moans from her.

Her skin was warm and soft under my touch; I could feel her shake when I hit a good spot, lightly grinding her ass into my crotch. My clit was throbbing and I pushed my hips down a bit to get some more pressure. I felt her muscles tense with my thighs and I rubbed my palms down on either sides of her back, touching the sides of her breasts with my fingertips. She inhaled deeply and I bit my lips. I felt my breathing getting heavier.

I reached for the body lotion again and steadied my breaths. I poured some lotion on my palms and started to massage her lower back, adding pressure to her spine.  
"Right there…" She moaned out and my clit throbbed.  
I started to massage the spot she picked out, earning several moans from her. I bit down on my lower lips hard and pushed my hips down into her. I tried so hard not to grind my sex into her ass but I couldn't avoid the heat between my legs too long.

She kept lightly moaning as I rubbed small circles on her spine with my thumbs, going lower and lower until my thumbs were under her leggings right above her ass.  
I saw the muscles in her back tense and relax as I moved my hands back up to her shoulders, leaned down and placed my lips on her neck, inhaling her scent mixed with the lotion. I rubbed her back, more sensually than before and placed kisses on her neck, kissing my way up to her jaw line, lightly biting at it. She moaned my name and I smiled against her warm skin, lightly biting her earlobe. She inhaled sharply and placed her hand on the back of my neck, pulling me to meet her lips.  
My hands stopped they way on her sides as our lips met. The angle was really weird, we couldn't reach each other and I felt her shifting under my body. This time I held myself up a bit to give her space and she turned on her back.  
I kissed her again, my hands rubbing her skin up and down her sides, stopping right below her breast. I moved my fingertips up on her breasts a bit and she gasped. I smiled into our kiss and put my weight down on her body, our breasts touching. I could feel her nipples harden through the soft fabric of my shirt. I wished we'd have been naked, both of us, skin meeting bare skin, like our lips met each other, tongues dancing, teeth biting into flesh like there's no tomorrow, like this is the last moment before we die, and that time, I felt so alive that if I died in that moment, I would have died happily in her arms.

"Sara…stop.." I froze and my eyes opened quickly in shock. I was staring at her neck, lips still pressed at her skin. My breaths came out ragged and I felt myself coming closer to a panic attack. She… _rejected_ me.  
_This can't happen. I'm alone. She doesn't want me. _

"Sara…" She said my name again and I felt her fingers in my hair as she pulled my head up, over her face. I looked her in the eye and I felt anxious. I held my breath back as I looked at her, her eyes filled with lust… she wanted me, but then why had she stopped me? Didn't she feel good with me?  
"Are you sure?" She asked me, her eyes staring right into my soul.  
She just wanted to check on me… if I was okay. I lightly smiled. She didn't stop because of herself; she stopped me because she wanted to make sure I want this, too. And hell, I wanted her like I've never wanted anything else before.

I nodded, and she smiled at me before pulling my face down again and whispering in my ears.  
"Then let me make love to you."

Tegan's P.O.V.

I heard her moaning when I sucked on her earlobe and flicked us over so I was between her legs, on top of her. I held myself up on my arms as I kissed her neck, licking my way up until her jaw, kissing, sucking and biting on her strong jaw line, earning a moan from Sara. I moved to her lips, and kissed them lightly, almost touching them then took her lower lip between my teeth and pulled on it.

I felt her nails digging into my lower back and I travelled down on her body to her neck, pulling her shirt a bit down to kiss her collarbones. She wrapped her legs around my middle and started to scratch my back with her fingers, her nails and calluses made me moan.

I wanted to be in charge, to make sure she's okay and give her everything I could but when her fingers touched my nipples, I got lost. I lost my control and started to buck my hips against her center. She moaned, one of her hands immediately going down to grab and squeeze my ass.  
I wanted to feel her, to feel her skin on mine, her warm skin… I needed her like I've never needed anyone.  
I pulled up the hem of her shirt and she helped me pull it over her head. I tossed the clothing next to us, not really caring, my focus was on her.  
I stared at her bra covered breasts, heavily bouncing up and down with every in and out breath.  
"You're so beautiful, Tee…" She whispered and I looked up, right into her eyes, filled with lust and love.  
"So are you, sweetheart." I told her and leaned down; kissing every inch of her skin I could reach above the white bra. She put her hands into my hair, her fingers massaging my scalp and giving a tug to my hair whenever I hit a good spot. Her hands went further down on my back, tracing patterns on my skin.  
I grinded against her sex again, this time even harder and her back arched as she let out a moan, her head falling backwards. I used this to reach behind her and unclasp her bra. She pulled it off of her before I could reach for it and grabbed my face to bring me closer. Her lips found mine; kissing me with so much passion I almost drowned into her.

Her hands went down from my face to my chest and I pulled myself up to my arms to give her access to my breast, my nipples were aching for her touch.  
She massaged my breast and I let out a moan right into Sara's mouth and felt her smiling. She kissed and bit my neck, leaving marks I knew I'll have to hide the next day but at that moment it felt so good that I didn't give a damn about it. She found my sweet spot right under my ear and I let out a loud moan and grinded into her harder.  
"Sara… I need you…" I whispered breathlessly into the skin of her neck as she teased my nipples with her fingertips, her lips on my neck driving me crazy.  
"Then take me."

I pushed her down roughly, more roughly than I wanted to and she gasped. I kissed her lips gently as an apology and slide my hand down on her torso to her jeans. I unclasped her belt and then tried to undo the buttons but my shaky hands failed their movements and I had to break the kiss to look down. She lightly chuckled at my lameness and I blushed with embarrassment. She kissed my nose and helped me out, finally getting her pants down till her middle thighs.  
My breathes came out ragged and I felt incredible nervous and horny at the same time. I placed kisses on her stomach to calm myself down. I licked and bit her and she bucked her hips up in frustration.

"Please, Tegan..." she whimpered and I looked up at her, seeing her face flushed and her mouth fell open as she tried to catch her breath.  
I pulled her pants off her legs and my eyes locked at the wet spot between her legs. She was soaked through her underwear. I licked my lips and kissed my way up on her body.

A part of me screamed in my head to just take her right there but I wanted our first time to be special, to be slow and gentle so I tried to calm myself.  
I kissed her again and positioned myself so one of her legs was between mine, so I could put pressure on her crotch and also got some pleasure from it.

She showed her hand down into my leggings giving a squeeze to my ass. I shot my eyes and throw my head back.  
"Take them off." She ordered, her voice husky and low.  
I quickly got off of her and pulled my leggings down on my legs. I wanted to take my boxers off too, but I remembered that she still had hers on so I left them on, but when I turned back to her she slide her panties down, kicking them away.

"Off, all of them" I couldn't say no to her so quickly pulled them down before getting on top of her again, not caring that my boxers were still around one of my ankles. At that point I didn't really care about anything else that the feeling of Sara's skin underneath me, her nails in my shoulders, her lips on mine, her scent around me, her heat radiating onto my thigh…

I couldn't hold it back anymore. I needed to feel her clench around my fingers, moaning out my name in ecstasy… I needed to make her cum.

I slip down my hands on her body till I reached her mound. She gasped when I cupped her and I moved my kisses down to her neck to let her breath.  
She was soaking wet and warm. If this was what heaven felt like… than I was sure that gay people definitely don't go to hell.  
I circled her clit and she let out a moan. Her moans were the sweetest noises I've ever heard, but I wanted more, I wanted her to scream in pleasure.  
I kept rubbing her clit with two of my fingers, sliding them down to her entrance from time to time. She started to whimper each time I pulled my fingers out of her which I only pushed in to tease her.  
"Please…" she whimpered out and dig her nails into my lower back, crossing her legs behind me.  
I did as she wanted and pushed two fingers deep inside of her wet warmth. She moaned loudly and arched her back, pushing her breasts into me, her hard nipples poking me. I leaned down and took one of them into my mouth, sucking and biting it while I kept a steady rhythm with my fingers. I licked up her neck and kissed her, showing my tongue deep into her mouth trying to get as much of her taste as I could. She kissed me back for a while but throw her head back when I curled my fingers inside of her. Her legs lightly shook around me and I started to circle her clit with my thumb.  
_In. Curl. Out. In. Curl. Out._  
I stopped for a second and just rubbed her clit and she let out a whimper, squirming under me.  
She was really close and I teased her. She pushed her hips to get me to move and I did so, and she let out and incredibly loud moan as I pushed her over the edge, her walls clenching around my fingers, making harder to move inside of her but I kept moving and she rode out her orgasm, silently screaming, her mouth forming a perfect 'o'.  
I slowed down until I totally stopped and just listened to her breathing as she came down from her high, feeling her walls still pulsing around my digits.  
Her cheeks were red and a little smile played on her lips as she lay there, trying to catch her breath, her eyes closed, mouth still a bit open.  
"You're beautiful." I told her between heavy breaths.  
She slowly opened her eyes and looked up at me, smiling. I slowly pulled out of her and she let out a sigh, hugging me closer with her arms, her legs still laying numb and widely open.  
I put my hand that was inside of her next to her head on the pillow and slowly leaned in, kissing her gently. She kissed me back lazily and I haven't felt myself so happy in a long time. I pulled away and bruised our noses together, earning a wide, sweet smile from Sara.  
My eyes went to my fingers, her cum thick on them. I wanted to lick them clean but I didn't know if Sara would find it gross or not, so I put them below a pillow and kissed her lips again.

I lay down next to her on my side and she turned to her side, too. We looked at each other in silent. She slid closer to me and put one of her legs between mine and kissed my forehead, her fingers lightly massaging my scalp. I buried my face into her neck and breathed in her sweet scent.

As much as I wanted a release just minutes ago, the only thing I wanted in that moment to close my eyes a sleep while she held be, safe and warm.  
I throw an arm around her middle and draw figure eight with my index finger on her skin. I heard her swallow hard and her heart was beating like drums in my ears, but I didn't move.

"I love you, Tegan." She told me, her heart still beating fast. She was nervous and I smiled.  
"I love you too." I whispered back and kissed her skin where I reached it than turned my face to the side to listen to her bare heartbeat which was slow again after she calmed down.  
Sara reached out and pulled the blanket over our naked bodies and I felt myself drifting off to sleep in her embrace.  
The last thing I felt before falling asleep were her lips on my forehead and her fingers in my hair.


	7. Wanting, needing, praying

**Author's Note**: Guys, I'm having a writer's block, so please forgive me.

I dedicate this chapter for the girl in camo leggings.

* * *

**Chapter 7: Wanting, needing, praying  
"**_And the sun drips down bedding heavily behind  
The front of your dress all shadowy lined  
And the droning engine throbs in time  
With your beating heart._"**  
**_Deftones –The Chauffeur_

* * *

Sara's P.O.V.

I felt warm and safe. Not a usual feeling when it comes to me.  
I watched Tegan's little bottom nose in front of me. Her lips were slightly open; she was sleeping and dreaming in peace, sometimes letting out deep breaths that blow my bangs out of my face. I gently stroke her jaw with my fingertips, not wanting to wake her up.  
The sun was setting down, the shadows making her curves even more visible than usual. She looked beautiful in the orange and blue lights, the blanket only covering her lower half, her breasts exposed, slowly falling and rising.

I just watched her, letting my eyes to travel all over her face. She should have looked like me but I could tell the differences between our faces. Our jaw, chin, eyebrows, we weren't the same. We were two people not one person but sometimes still felt like we were one.  
I read a quote once telling that if two star-crossed lovers commit dual suicide, they get reincarnated as twins. I've never really cared to read after the myth, I knew it was true. It had to be true because I loved Tegan more than a sister not only since I started to have sexual thoughts.  
Nothing really changed about my feelings when I started puberty – I've always loved her more than anyone else, like we were always in love. Our relationship have always seemed like we were married for 15 years or more. No one knew me better than her, but we were always fighting, sometimes we only communicated in short text messages when in fact we were sitting in the same room, just because I was afraid that I'll kiss her if I get too close to her.

But I don't have to be afraid, anymore. She loves me like I do love her. All the anguish, all the sexual frustration, I can let them go.  
I can be relaxed because she loves me.  
I don't have to hide because she loves me.  
I don't have to be bothered and hot on stage by the way her lips touch the microphone. Well, I can but I can also be sure that she'll make me feel better after the show… way more better. I lightly chuckled as I recalled the way Tegan's body hovered over mine, the way her fingers played with my body… No one has ever touched me the way she did. No one has ever wanted me the way she did. And I've never cuddled with someone after sex.

I smiled and lightly shook my head. We didn't have sex just a couple of hours ago. We made love and it was beautiful.

I woke up from my daydream of Tegan's moan. She let out a big sigh and held me tighter in her embrace. She was so cute, too cute to handle.  
She let out an other moan, stirred in her sleep and I was thinking that maybe I should wake her up, maybe she's having a nightmare but then she rubbed my back up and down, still sleeping, and pulled me on top of her.

I gasped, trying not to put my weight on her and watched her face for any sign that she was awake but her peaceful face and her deep breaths let me now that she was still dreaming, God knows about what.  
I slowly put down my weight on her and hid my face into the crock of her neck.  
She let out an 'hmm' sound and scratched my back with her nails, lazily. I pulled away a bit, resting my face on the pillow next to her.  
I looked at her with wide eyes when she put one of her legs around my waist, bending up the other between my thighs. She scratched my back again and let out a moan which sounded like my name. That was when I realised that she was having a sexy dream… probably with me in it. I smiled and pushed my leg a bit further, right against her crotch, earning a deep breath and a moan from her. I slowly rocked us back and forth and her breathing got faster. I could feel her wetness on my thigh and I bit my lower lip. I had to wake her up somehow because I wanted to feel her wetness in my palm, see the pleasure in her eyes…

I kept rocking and started to gently kiss her neck and her jaw until I reached her lips. I placed one simple kiss on them and then leaned down with a smirk on my face. I licked her neck and gently bit the sensitive skin under her ear.

A moan escaped her mouth and she inhaled deeply, her hands grabbing my shoulders.  
"Sar…" I cut her off by pressing my mouth to hers. I ran my tongue over her lower lip and she opened her lips to let me in. In the moment our tongues met I trusted my legs harder and she sharply inhaled, letting her head fall back onto the pillows, giving me access to the delicious skin of her neck.  
I attacked her like a hungry wolf, bit her skin where I reached then licked it to smooth the pain. She grinded her hips into me more eagerly and her hand found mine on the sheets. She brought them between our bodies and looked into my eyes while I played with her hard nipple.  
"Please…" She whispered and I smirked. I enjoyed being in dominance this time, watching her body squirming underneath me, begging me for a release.  
I smirked and kissed her, my hand still resting on her mound.

I wanted to show her how amazing she was. How much I loved her and how much she helped. She taught me how to swim when I was already on the way down.

I slowly pushed two digits inside of her wet warmth and she moaned, her back lightly arched and she pushed her head back on the pillow but somehow still managed to keep eye contact with me. Her mouth was open as she tried to breathe and I saw her swallow hard when I put pressure on her clit with my thumb.  
"Faster…" she whispered so I increased my speed watching as she finally closed her eyes and dig her nails into my lower back, pulling me even closer to her body.  
Our faces were so close that we breathed the same hot air.  
I finally started to circle her clit, earning a moan from her. I kissed her and her next moan ran through my mouth when I curled my fingers inside of her.  
Her breaths came out ragged and I felt her walls lightly pulsating around my fingers. She was really close and I played with the idea of teasing her a bit but she opened her eyes and kissed me hard, her hips thrusting into my hand and her nails scratching the skin on my back. There was no way back in this moment so I pushed deeper adding more strength with my hips and rubbed her clit in tight circles.

Tegan's head fell back on the pillow, her eyes closed, her lips open.  
She inhaled deeply just before I felt her core sucking in my fingers, her whole body tensed and she let out the sexiest moan I've ever heard. I didn't stop though; I kept going as she rode out her orgasm underneath me, hiding her face into the crock of my neck and lightly shaking.  
I slowed down until I totally stopped but stayed inside of her, feeling her walls still pulsating.  
She went numb under me and tried to catch her breath, lightly smiling. I placed a kiss on the corner of her lips and she lazily rubbed my back up and down, her legs still wrapped around me as she came down from her high.  
I hid my face into her neck, inhaling her scent, sweet and warm, like my home. She was my home. She was my favourite hidden place, everything I needed to survive, every secret, every nervous prayer.  
I sighed. She was the only thing I needed to be safe.

I felt Tegan's fingers in my hair and I slowly pulled away, looking into her eyes as she smiled at me. She kissed me gently, running her tongue over my lower lip. I realised that I was still inside of her so I slowly pulled out of her and wiped my hand on the sheets before placing it next to her head.  
She slowly pulled away from our kiss, placing her head back on the white pillow.  
"Good morning." She said, her voice a little bit hoarse and I chuckled.  
"More like good evening, babe." I told her, brushing my nose to hers in a sweet Eskimo kiss.  
The feeling that rushed through my body when I called her babe was unbelievable. Just the use of that word and the fact that I was able to call her like that made me fill up with joy.

Tegan let out a 'hmm' sound and flipped us over so she was on top of me. She cuddled into me and wrapped her arms around my head, her fingers in my hair and her face in my neck.  
"I don't care what time it is, I don't wanna get up." She mumbled into my skin and I chuckled at how adorable she was.

I reached out and grabbed my phone from the nightstand, checking the time. It was almost seven.  
"How about we take a shower and order some food? Then we can watch a movie or something." I suggested and she pulled away from my neck to look into my eyes. She narrowed her eyes and I wondered what she was going to say.  
"That's your way to tell me that I'm smelly?" She asked me cautiously.  
"No." I laughed at her, shaking my head. She was laughing with me and it was obvious that she was joking but a thought ran through my head: what if I was smelly?  
I couldn't really think about it because Tegan got off of me and grabbed my hands to pull me out of bed, right into the little bathroom.

She stepped into the shower and turned the water on but I stayed outside, not wanting to feel the cold water on my skin. Tegan jumped a bit and mumbled 'fuck' while she looked at me, realising why I didn't stepped in with her.  
"Really smart." I chuckled and shrugged. "Now get your beautiful ass over her, princess." She said it cheeky and I raised an eyebrow but stepped in, the now warm water hitting my front as I stood in front of her.  
"Princess?" I asked, still in disbelief and she chuckled.  
"Don't you remember the song?" She asked and started singing as I shook my head.  
"_A_ _pop princess, my own diva, go on, go on, go on and see her…_" She hesitated for a moment, trying to remember the lyrics which I clearly remembered now.  
"_Tell her, she is out of touch, she is out of luck…" _I smiled, remembering the times she sang this song on stage a few years ago.

She turned away and poured some body wash on her hand from what the hotel offered then handled the little bottle for me and I did the same.  
"I've always loved that song when we played it on stage." I said while we started to wash the sweat from our bodies.  
"I wrote it for you." She said lowly, not looking into my eyes, like she was embarrassed. I stopped my movements and looked at her, surprised. Of course I've written songs for her, too, but never admitted it, even for myself.

She still avoided eye contact by looking on the ground while washing the foam from her body so I bended my knees a bit to find her look. When our eyes met she shyly smiled at me and I kissed her, wrapping my arms around her middle. I broke the kiss and hugged her, carefully not to water my hair in the little space we had in the shower.  
"I know you write for me too, you just don't admit it." She said lowly and kissed my cheek that – I was sure – was read at that moment.

She pulled away and stepped out of the shower and started to dry herself with a towel. I watched her a bit then turned off the water and stepped out. I reached for a towel but Tegan grabbed it just before my fingers touched it and wrapped me in the soft material, rubbing my arms and back. I smiled widely and she kissed my nose.

She turned away and grabbed one of the white robes that were hanging on a hanger and put it on while I dried myself. She tied it then took the towel from me and helped me to put on the other robe. She was acting like a gentleman. I thanked her with a little nod while saying:  
"Thank you, sir." She slightly bowed.  
"Everything for my lady." I laughed at her response and leaned in to give her a peck on her lips before she walked out of the tiny bathroom. I followed her into the main room.

She turned on the lights and now she was sitting on the bed, a menu in her hands and she was biting her lips. I watched her a bit before she looked up at me with a little smile.  
"What?" She asked and I just shrugged.  
"Nothing." She tilted her head to the side and smiled.  
"You look good in that robe." I admitted then went to my suitcase, hoping she didn't see me blushing. I heard her giggling as I opened my suitcase.  
"What are you doing there?" She asked and I looked at her, my hands still between my clothes and raised an eyebrow at her.  
"Putting on some clothes." I said it more like a question and she evilly smiled.  
"I don't really see why you'd need them." She said and licked her lips while eyeing me up and down, stopping at my middle and letting out a low "hmm" sound before going back to the menu. My eyes widened and I looked down at my thighs.  
My robe slide up till my middle thighs as I crouched, leaving my skin exposed, and I was sure she could almost see my center from were she was sitting. I blushed immediately and stood up, straightening my robe.

I went to the bed and sat down next to Tee, looking at the menu and I lowly noted:  
"You're cheeky."  
She looked at me from the corner of her eyes and gave me my favourite gummy smile.  
"And you like it, don't you?" I didn't want to answer so I grabbed the paper from her hands, ignoring her question.  
"Have you chosen yet?" I asked her and she nodded.  
"I want the same." I told her and placed the menu down on the nightstand then lay down on the bed, hiding my face into the pillow that still had Tegan's scent on it.

I heard her as she ordered our food but didn't really care about her choice.

This situation was a bit… well, weird. I felt like we were a married couple on our honeymoon and I was already nervous about going back to our real lives, outside this room.  
I sighed and Tegan looked at me as she placed the phone back to its place.  
"What's up, babe?" She asked while lying down next to me. I wrapped my arms around her middle, pulling her closer and pushing the robe away from her legs so I could put mine between hers, totally snuggling into her.  
"I don't wanna go out of this room." I told her and she kissed my forehead before answering.  
"I know, me neither." She rubbed my back and pulled away to look into my eyes.  
"But we have a whole night till that." She smiled but I could see the sadness in her eyes. "Until that we have to eat, watch a movie and have mind blowing sex." She said and I laughed. I punched her chest lightly and shook my head, still smiling. She was such a dork but I knew she only acted like this to cheer me up.

I rested my head on her chest, listening to her heartbeat but my thoughts were far, far away.  
I wondered if she ordered some wine with our food. I didn't pay too much attention when she made the phone call so I had no clue about this.  
I hadn't drunk in… two days. I quickly went through my last few days to think about it. I didn't drink although I did think abut it a lot and also about cutting. Avoiding cutting was a bit easier because I knew that Tegan would see them and would get really angry. She also thinks that I gave her my razor blade… I thought about the other one that I had in my suitcase and felt guilty.

I brought my hand a bit up from Tee's shoulder and watched it. It was lightly shaking. I prayed for God that she ordered some wine.

* * *

I must have fallen asleep because I woke up when Tegan carefully tried to slip out under me. I acted like I'd been still asleep; I didn't want her to feel bad for waking me up. She replaced her chest with a pillow and tucked the blanket under my leg so I was cuddling it. I suppressed my smile at how attentive she was.

I watched her as she tied her robe again, this time tighter and I heard someone knocking on our door. I shut my eyes again and listened as Tegan opened the door and thanked for our food. I heard the door shot closed again and Tegan's footsteps on the carpet. She placed the food down on the nightstand – I could only guess this by the sounds.  
I felt the mattress move next to me as she sat down and lightly brushed my bangs out of my face.  
"Babe…" She whispered, trying to wake me up but I decided to act a little.  
I felt her kiss my cheek and rubbed my cheekbone with her nose before she whispered a bit louder.  
"Wake up, Sasa." She gently rubbed my arm up and down and I slowly opened my eyes with a little smile. She looked at me with a big smile on her face and leaned down to give a kiss on my cheek.  
"Come, let's eat." She said and I nodded, pushing myself up to a sitting position, my back against the headboard. She handed me a tray with a plate full of chicken salad that looked amazing.

I placed the tray down on my thighs and grabbed my fork when Tee placed a glass full of red wine next to my plate.  
I looked at the red liquid for a few seconds and felt my breaths getting heavier, my heart beating like drums on a heavy metal concert. I looked at Tegan under my bangs but she didn't look at me, she watched her plate and carefully put some salad in her mouth, trying not to make a mess.  
I swallowed hard and looked at my glass again then eyed the bottle on the nightstand next to Tee's wine glass.  
I didn't want to drink, not with her… my body wanted to drink the wine she gave me but my mind told me not to do so. I was confused and vulnerable in that second. Did she expect me to drink that bottle? Or only a glass? Did she want to know if I can control the urge to drink? Maybe she did want me to drink with her.

She finally looked at me and saw how scared I was. She placed her fork down and put her hand on mine. I looked into her eyes, trying to find something, something that told me what I was supposed to do.  
"Sara… it's okay. I know you'd like to drink that wine but you're scared. It's okay, I'm here. A glass of wine won't cause any trouble but will help you." She gave my hand a squeeze and I weakly smiled at her. She looked at the bottle for a second then back at me.  
"I'll leave that there and I know that you're not going to drink it later." She noted it with a questioning tone so I nodded and she leaned in to place a simple kiss on my lips.  
With that she went back to her food and I finally grabbed my fork and dig into my food.

Letting Tee choose was a good idea – our salads were delicious but I was still afraid to take a little sip of my drink until I saw that Tegan reached out for her glass and took a sip then placed it back to the nightstand. I licked my lips and allowed myself to do the same.  
The glass was cold between my fingers and so was the wine – cold, sweet and comforting. I sighed and closed my eyes as I savoured the liquid on my tongue. I noticed that Tegan was looking at me from the corner of her eyes so I quickly placed the glass down and continued eating.

We finished our food in silence but I hadn't touched my glass again although the urge to drink was there, inside my body. I told myself that I could drink and that I don't only have that little glass. It was a lie but it helped me not to feel nervous about emptying the glass.  
I watched in silence as Tegan put the trays on the little table next to the TV that was across the bed and took small sips but my glass became empty, too soon for my liking and I placed it down next to the bottle.

I leaned back to the headboard when Tee sat down next to me with her laptop.  
"How about watching "Ghost"?" she asked with a little smile. "We still haven't seen it." I nodded and remembered that night when we wanted to watch the movie. It wasn't even a week ago but it changed my life in a good way.  
Tegan placed her laptop on her thighs and began to search for the movie between her files. I stood up and turned the lights off, so the only light source in the room was Tegan's laptop.  
I went back to my place on her side and placed my head on her shoulder and she wrapped her arm around my shoulders, her hand hanging in front of my chest and I intertwined our hands.

She kissed my head as the movie started and I relaxed in her arms although I wasn't really in the mood for cuddling and watching films together. I would have rather done something else, something more heated so I started to plan out my idea.

The movie started like ten minutes before I bit my lips and turned halfway to my side and pulled my legs under me. I made sure that my robe slide up over my thighs and that Tee could see my cleavage when she looked down at me. I gave her a few minutes to notice it but nothing happened so I scratched my collarbone with my fingertips, her hand still in mine. I lightly pushed her hand to the smooth skin on my chest and I saw her licking her lips and felt that she took a deep breath. Good job, Sasa.

She started to rub little circles on my skin with her fingers but I didn't react until she stopped it. I placed my hand that wasn't holding hers on her thigh, making sure that my fingertips touched the warm skin of her inner thighs. She swallowed hard and I allowed myself a proud smile before I controlled my expressions.  
She leaned down to whisper in my ear and her hot breath tickled my skin.  
"I thought we are watching a movie." I looked at her innocently.  
"That's what I'm doing." I answered. "Why?" I asked, confused and she smiled at me before leaning in and kissing my lips. I smiled into our kiss. Mission completed, well, halfway.

She broke our kiss just to continue it on my jaw, kissing her way to my ears. I bit my lip when she sucked my earlobe and whispered into my ear.  
"You don't really want to watch that movie, right?"  
"Well…" I smiled and put my hand into her hair.  
"Hmm… me neither." I lowly laughed but gasped when she sucked on my neck hard and bit it.

She pulled away and I started to lean in to kiss her but she turned her face away to grab her laptop so my kiss ended on her jaw what was a bit awkward but I acted like I wanted it this way and started to kiss her neck, lightly biting and sucking on her skin.  
She moaned and turned her face to meet my lips. I bit her lower lip than broke our kiss to let her put the laptop away.  
She bended over the edge of the bed and I lay down. She must have closed the laptop because suddenly it went totally silent and our only light source was the moon that shined through the curtains.  
She hovered over me and I put my arms around her shoulders, adoring her beautiful cheekbones in the moonlight before pulling her down for a heated kiss.  
This time, she wasn't so gentle with me and I liked this side of Tegan even more. She quickly undressed me and throw her robe on the floor, letting our hot skins touch, our hard nipples brush together.  
She kissed my collarbones before paying attention to my nipples that were so desperately aching for her touch. She made my muscles tense in my body with only brushing her lips to my skin and made me moan when her calloused fingertips touched my inner thighs.  
I pulled her face back over mine and kept eye contact with her as she teased my clit and my entrance with her fingers. I wanted her to fuck me, to take me right there.  
"Please…" I whispered and she smirked at me before leaning down to my ear.  
"Everything for my lady." She whispered before pushing two fingers deep inside of me and I gasped, grabbing her shoulders and pulling her even closer to my body with my legs.  
We rocked back and forth on the bed, painting heavily. I slid my hand down between our bodies and cupped her mound. She moaned into my neck as I started to circle her clit. I tried to push my fingers inside of her but our position wasn't good for that so I went back to rubbing little circles to her clit. Tegan's moans got louder in sync with mine as we rocked more eagerly, pushing our fingers and hips in a neck breaking speed.  
"Sara… I'm close…" She painted in my ear and I nodded, trying to focus on the warm feeling building up in my abdomen. I wanted to cum with her but I wasn't there yet.  
I bit my lip and slid my other hand down to my own mound and started to circle my clit, feeling Tegan's palm hitting my fingers each time she pushed her fingers into me.  
She inhaled deeply like the last time before she cum and I bucked my hips just when she curled her fingers inside of me. I came with a loud moan while trying to still rub her, her back arched as she cum with me, her thrusting slowly coming into a stop as she enjoyed her high, lying on me, muscles relaxed, her fingers inside of me.

I tried to catch my breath and slowly wrapped my arms around her back, lazily rubbing her skin with my wet fingers. I mixed our juices on her skin and she pulled out of me, kissing me slowly, gently. It was unbelievable that in one second she was able to fuck me in a neck breaking speed and the other she touched my lips with hers so lightly like the butterflies touched the flowers when they landed on them.  
"I love you." She whispered into my mouth like she did after the first time we had sex. I didn't expect her to be the type who tells this sentence every time after being intimate, but I liked the way those words rolled off of her tongue.  
"I love you, too, Teetee." I told her and kissed her temple when she placed her face into the crock of my neck.

She slowly rolled off of me and lay on her side. I turned my back to her and she wrapped her arms around my waist. I grabbed her hand and placed it on my chest, between my breasts.  
I felt her drifting off to sleep but I couldn't fall asleep for long hours, I just lay in her embrace and stared at the bottle on the nightstand.


	8. On the way down

**Note: Sorry.**

* * *

**Chapter 8: On the way down  
"**_God knows what is hiding in those weak and drunken hearts  
I guess the loneliness came knocking  
No on needs to be alone, oh save me_**"**_  
People Help The People - Birdy_

* * *

Sara's P.O.V.

What are you supposed to do when you're the world's happiest and saddest person in one moment? What do you do when you're supposed to fall asleep in the arms of your love but you can't because you keep thinking about something else you desperately need? It's so silly how an addiction can take your mind away. You think that you're totally in charge… but it's obvious for everyone except you that you're not. You're in a never-ending war with yourself because you know what you're supposed to do, but you can't do it. Something doesn't let you do it. You're sick and you know it, but you're too tired to fight against it. It's just way easier to give in. Actually, it feels relaxing. Comforting. When the razor hits your smooth skin and breaks it… when the sweet liquid runs down on your throat… that relaxing moment before you realize what you've just done: that's why you're doing it. That emptiness that runs through your system before the pain and clears everything inside of you… There's no way back once you tasted it. You'll go back for it, doesn't matter when, you'll do it again.

I tried to remember when was the first time I realised that I'm an alcoholic. Maybe a few months ago when I was lying on my empty, cold bed and couldn't fall asleep because my body was shaking and I desperately wanted something. I thought it was Tegan what I wanted, but it wasn't. I didn't feel the need for Tegan – I felt the need for alcohol. That was why I started drinking – wanting something you can have is so much better than wanting something you can't have. But now that I got what I wanted in the first place – Tegan –, alcohol didn't let me escape. It held me tight.

In my mind, alcohol had always been a really attractive woman in a red dress, smiling at me. At first she was kind, nice, so sweet… but now it turned out that she was the devil.

I'd been staring at the bottle on the nightstand for long hours. I held Tegan's hand in mine on my chest, closing my eyes time to time to try to fall asleep, but I couldn't. My hands were shaking and sweating, my mouth was dry and my lungs were in a fire. I would have run if Tegan didn't hold me in her arms. She was my safe point in that moment, the only thing holding me back from grabbing the bottle.

My heart stopped beating when Tegan turned on her back and her arm left my body. I was able to move without waking her up. That was the perfect moment to get up and grab the bottle. She wouldn't notice if I drank a bit. She'd never know it.

I slowly got up, carefully leaving the blanket next to Tegan, so if she'd turn on her side again she could cuddle it. I sat on the edge of the bed, my face inches away from the bottle. I watched as the moonlight shined on the dark glass and placed my hand on the neck of the bottle, lightly rubbing it up and down.  
I nervously looked back at Tee – she was sleeping. I licked my dry mouth and looked back at the bottle. I slowly brought it to my mouth and let the cold opening of the bottle touch my lips. I closed my eyes and licked the cold material, pushing my tongue into it. I felt the scent of the wine on my tongue and it made my heart beat faster and louder. I nervously glanced back at Tegan again before getting up and slowly making my way to the bathroom.  
I turned the lights on in the bathroom but didn't care about closing the door. My focus was on the bottle in my hand, holding it tight and carefully, like it was a little baby. My baby. My everything.  
I placed it on the edge of the sink. I remembered the times I placed a razor blade down on the same spot in hotel rooms, in my own apartment, on the tour bus…  
I went to my suitcase like a zombie, without any thoughts. I didn't look at the bed, I was afraid of seeing Tegan's sleeping body. I opened my suitcase and went directly to the little pocket. I placed the little peace of metal on my palm and went back to the bathroom, this time pulling the door behind me but not closing it. I wanted to be able to hear if Tegan woke up. I could still tell her that I wanted to spill it out or something.

I placed the wine down on the floor and sat down next to it but it was really cold, so I pulled a towel down from a hanger and put it under me. I placed the razor next to the bottle – my little friends.  
I bended my legs and rested my head on my knees, my arms holding my legs. I rocked myself back and forth and stared at the bottle, like I did not long ago. I reached out and traced the bottle with my fingertips.

Finally I took a deep breath and grabbed it. I placed the opening of the bottle on my lips, savouring the moment before I finally let the liquid into my mouth, the sweet taste of the red wine running down on my throat into my stomach. My body instantly calmed down, my muscles relaxed and I smiled against the bottle, my eyes closed.  
The moment I wanted to take a second sip, something went wrong inside of me. I saw Tegan's eyes behind my eyelids, filled up with lust, love…  
My body tensed again, and my eyes opened as I felt the wine coming back into my mouth. The bottle fell out of my hand and I jumped to the toilet on my knees, emptying my stomach into it.  
I felt my tears running down on my cheeks as I heard Tegan's voice saying my name and felt her arms around my shaking body.  
I wished she'd let me go because my whole body was on a fire and she was so warm, too warm, I was sweating, shaking, my head was spinning, I couldn't breath, I tried to shook Tegan's arms off of me but she held me tight. I heard her saying something to me, but I couldn't make it out.  
I watched the toilet, everything red inside of it, and I saw the floor around me; red from the wine. Everything was red. I needed air, but my breaths were ragged and short; my asthma attack was slowly killing me.  
Tegan's hot body left mine and I fell onto the ground, it was cold and relaxing but when I opened my eyes I saw that I was laying in the red liquid – it was everywhere around me, didn't let me escape. I hugged the toilet with my arms tightly because it was cold, and hid my face into it because I didn't want to see the world around me.

I felt a hand grabbing my face and pulling me away from the cold material and I whined, using the little air I had in my lungs. I wish I'd died because I'd never felt so sick in my entire life.  
Something familiar touched my lips and I opened them, inhaling the medicine. Focus, Sara. You need to focus.  
_In_. My head was spinning. _Wait_. You can do it. _Out_. Air, I need air. _In_. _Wait_. Let me die._ Out._

Tegan's P.O.V.

I woke up in the middle of the night and turned to my side lazily, eyes closed. I wanted to wrap my arms around Sara's body again, but I could only touch the blanket.

I sleepily opened my eyes and saw the empty place next to me. I watched around in the room and saw the little light on the floor coming out from the bathroom. I sighed; she was only using the bathroom.  
I stretched, trying to soothe the pain in my lower back and my glance fell onto the nightstand, the red numbers on the digital clock telling me that it was 2 am. I watched the clock for a few moments before realising that something wasn't right. Something was… missing. _The wine._  
"Fuck." I mumbled and got up, immediately going to the bathroom but I stopped in front of the door. Maybe she just wanted to spill it out because she couldn't stand watching it. I tried to relax, but my heart skipped a beat when I heard a big nose – like glass broking on the floor.

I opened the door, yelling Sara's name in shock.  
She was on her knees in front of the toilet, throwing up. It looked like she was throwing up blood – but it was wine.  
I fell on my knees next to her, wrapping my arms around her shaking body, trying to relax her with my words but I was in panic, too, I didn't even know what I was saying. She tried to shake my arms off but I held her tighter. She was sweating, shaking and crying in the same time. Her sobs didn't help her to breath, her breaths were sort and ragged.

Fuck. She was having an asthma attack. I let her go and jumped up to my feet, running to her suitcase.

_Puffer, puffer where's that fucking…  
_My shaking hands finally found her puffer and I let out a sigh of relief. I rushed back into the bathroom, panting heavily and almost fell on the ground when I saw her.

She was lying on her side, hugging the toilet and the floor was red around her. Blood. My eyes widened in shock, I started to sweat, too.  
No, no, it's just wine, Tegan, relax, you need to calm down… I crouched down next to her, pulling her head into my lap and pushing the puffer to her lips. She immediately reacted, taking breaths when I pushed the medicine into her mouth.  
I looked around in the bathroom and saw the little razor blade lying in the wine, pieces of the broken bottle around it, but I couldn't see any cuts on Sara's body. Thanks God.

She slowly relaxed in my arms and I pulled the puffer away from her lips. She looked calm but still panted, her tears started to dry up on her face. She slowly opened her eyes and looked right into mine, but quickly looked away, tears forming in her eyes again. She tried to hide herself with her hands but I pushed them away and helped her into a sitting position, hugging her tightly.  
"I'm sorry…" she said through her sobs, her voice husky.  
"It's okay, Sasa…." I tried to comfort her. "It's okay…"  
_It's not okay, what am I supposed to do with you, Sara?!_

I didn't know how long we'd sat there – it felt like a life time. I held her in my arms until she stopped crying and her sobs turned into shaky breaths.  
I didn't know what to do. I felt useless. Wish I could do something to make you feel better, Sara!

I sighed and tried to think about what I should do. First, I had to take Sara to the bed… that meant she needed a shower because she was totally covered in wine. I also had to clean the wine up, as soon as I could, because I could feel the scent of alcohol making my head dizzy.  
"Sara…" I said her name lowly, trying to get her attention. She slowly pulled away from my chest and looked at me.  
The way she looked scared the shit out of me. She looked like… like a walking dead. I couldn't see anything in her eyes. I searched for something, pain, shame, guilt, love… but I didn't see anything. She was empty, emptier than I'd ever seen her. I swallowed, trying to get some strength; I needed to be strong, not for myself, for _her_. I couldn't lost her right after she had became mine.  
"You need a shower." She nodded and slowly started to get up on shaky legs. I got up, too – my legs were so weak like I'd just ran a marathon.

I pushed Sara into the shower and stepped in with her, turning the water on. The cold water hit her skin and she flinched, but when I looked back at her, she was blank, again.  
I reached out for the body wash we used just a few hours ago but she stopped me by placing her hand on mine.  
"Could you bring mine?" She asked, looking at the little bottle in my hands and I nodded, although she didn't seem like paying attention to me.  
I got out of the shower, trying not to step into the wine on the floor. I didn't care to dry myself up; I went straight to Sara's suitcase and searched for her beauty case. I found it and started to go back, but I stopped and looked back down on the open suitcase – she must have hid the razor here, although she'd said she gave it to me. She lied.

I placed the little bag down on a shelf above the toilet and grabbed her body wash before getting back to the shower.  
She stood there like I left here – with a blank expression on her face. I stepped next to her under the warm water and handled her the body wash. She held it in her hand for a minute then passed it back to me and looked into my eyes before looking away. I watched her for a second before asking.  
"Do you want me to wash you?" She nodded and I poured some body wash onto my hand, trying to figure out where to start as I placed the bottle on the little shelf behind me.  
"Tegan…" She said my name shyly, looking at the floor.  
"Yes?" I tried to find her look, but she avoided eye contact.  
"Do you… hate me?" She asked me, her voice shaky and vulnerable.  
"Oh my God, Sara, no!" I quickly answered, my eyes widely open is disbelief. How in the hell could she think I hated her? I loved her more than anything.  
"I love you. Do you hear me, Sara?" I lightly shook her before pulling her into a hug.  
"I love you." I whispered into her ear, one of my hands on her back, the other one cupping her jaw. I turned my head so my lips were pushed to her cheeks.  
"I love you" I mumbled into her skin, kissing her lightly before pulling away and looking into her eyes.  
"I'm sorry." She whispered with tears in her eyes and I slowly nodded.  
"We'll speak in the morning, okay?" She nodded and I started to rub the body wash I had left in my right hand into her skin, washing the wine away and creating foam.  
I crouched down, washing her legs and placing a little kiss on her thigh. I made sure to wash her everywhere, looking into her eyes as I stood up, leaning in to give a peck on her lips, but she turned her head away so my kiss landed on her jaw. I freeze for a moment and she placed her hands on my chest, before looking at the ground.  
"I threw up." She said lowly, embarrassed.  
"I don't care." I told her and leaned in again, placing a little kiss on her lips. This time she didn't jerk away and pulled me into a hug.  
"Let me wash you." I nodded into her skin and felt her reaching out for the body wash behind me. She washed me the same way I did with her, but she never looked into my eyes, and didn't kiss my skin. It was like… like she returned a favour.  
When she finished I turned the water off and pulled the curtain away. I checked the mess on the floor before turning my head back to Sara.  
"Wait a bit; I'm gonna clean it up." She nodded and I stepped out, clear fully pulling the curtain back behind me, so she couldn't see the mess.

I used the towel that was on the floor to wipe the wine, and to collect the sharp peaces of the bottle with along the razor. I throw them into the little trash can that was under the sink, trying not to cut myself.  
When I finished, the floor was still a bit sticky and red in some places, but it was the best that I could do.

I grabbed an other towel and pulled the curtain away, holding the towel out for Sara so she could step in. I wrapped the towel around her body and told her that I'll be right back.  
I went to my suitcase, because I didn't want to seek in Sara's, and picked up a shirt and boxers for Sara before putting on some underwear and a t-shirt. I didn't care that my body was still a bit damp; I almost totally dried up while cleaning.

When I went back to Sara, she was brushing her teeth, wrapped up in the towel like a little child in a Saturday morning in front of the television.  
I waited until she finished, trying to make eye contact through the mirror while I stood next to the sink. I helped her to put on the t-shirt and put the towel on the hanger while she put on the underwear. When she finished she looked at me, and I almost expected her to ask: "What's now?" But she just stood there.  
I reached out for her hand and she grabbed mine, squeezing it hardly. I led her to the bed, tucking her under the blanket. When she laid down, she turned on her side and I went back to the bathroom to turn the lights off.

I got in bed next to her, wrapping my arms around her small body. My muscles tensed while I waited for her to jerk away, but she didn't and I relaxed.  
"I love you. Never forget this." I whispered into her ear, lightly kissing her neck.  
"I love you." She whispered it back, but the way she said it almost broke my heart. Her voice was low, husky and lifeless. In that moment she was nothing but a walking dead.  
I pushed my lips to her skin, trying to swallow back my tears. I wanted to cry for her, for us…  
I didn't know what to do, anymore. I thought I could fix her but now it was obvious that I could not. I thought about sending her to a Rehabilitation program… but I couldn't do that with her. She wasn't sick like those people she was just… confused and vulnerable and broken… She wasn't sick… she was just an… alcoholic and in love with her own sister.

I tried to convince myself that Sara wasn't sick. But deep inside I felt that I was lying to myself.  
I buried my face into her hair and tried to push my thoughts away. After a while I felt Sara's body going limb in my arms – she must have fallen asleep. That was the moment I allowed myself to silently cry – for her.


	9. All I've ever learned from love

**Chapter 9: All I've ever learned from love**

"_When I envision you_  
_I think of your sheets_  
_Tangled up beneath me_  
_Your body inching close_  
_Closer to the edge_  
_I got a hold of you then"  
Drove Me Wild_

* * *

Sara's P.O.V

I woke up of the sound of my phone telling me I needed to charge it. I rubbed my eyes and stared at the ceiling in the darkness until it beeped again and I sighed, turning on my side and taking care of it.  
I watched the screen until it went dark, disappointed that no one missed me enough to send me a message. Not if I wondered – it was almost 3 in the morning. Normal people were sleeping in their bed with their love. Or with their dog. Cat. Anything. Mosquitoe. A bottle of vodka. No, people are not sleeping with alcohol. Neither did I, although I could use some drinks. But no, I'm strong and confident. And lonely.  
"What you are is lonely…" I sang quietly before I lightly chuckled and got out of the bed.  
I made my way to my kitchen, only wearing a pair of black boxer briefs and Tegan's tiger t-shirt that I stole when our tour ended almost two weeks ago. I hadn't seen her since that and although we talked every day for hours, I missed her. I wanted her to be with me and hold me while I fall asleep, listening to her breathing.

I turned the lights on in my kitchen, and grabbed an apple. I started to chew on it, not caring to wash it. I leaned back to the counter, staring at the calendar on the fridge. It's been 3 weeks since I hadn't drunk. 18 days since Tegan touched my body. 12 days since she kissed me.  
I looked up at the clock on the wall.  
3 hours since we finished talking, and 7 more hours until she'll be in my arms, again.

I couldn't wait for her plane to arrive here, in Montreal. I smiled and listened to the clock tic, counting them until 60 then shaking my head. Time wasn't going faster if I counted it. I took one more big bite of the apple then threw it away. Not because I finished it, I just realized that I wasn't really hungry for apple.  
I opened my fridge and looked through the items. I went grocery shopping the day before, making sure to buy Tee's favorites so my fridge was totally full, but I couldn't decide what to eat. I wasn't really hungry, either; I just needed something to distract myself. Finally I took out a yogurt and grabbed a spoon, settling down on my black sofa in the living room, putting my legs on the coffee table. I watched my black TV while I eat, thinking about the things I had to do, like taking a shower, eating something – because I knew that Tegan would be angry if I didn't eat -, calling a cab and pick up Tegan at the airport. I smiled at the last one.

In the last few days I started to feel myself like an idiot or a kid, I couldn't decide. I was on cloud nine, of course sometimes I went through my apartment in hope to find some alcohol, but thanks God I hadn't find any. Sometimes I just lay in my bed for hours, thinking about nothing at all, but at the end I found myself smiling, and this was kind of scary. Between talking to Tegan and daydreaming about her I found myself being anxious about breaking down, again. I couldn't fall apart now; I just started to put myself together.

* * *

My heart was racing as I stood at the airport, my hands in my pockets and nervously playing with my keys. Tegan's plane landed ten minutes ago so I glanced at the gate she was supposed to step out in every minute and checked my phone right after it.

"Where are you Tegan?" I asked, loudly and after a few seconds I felt a pull on my jacket. I looked down and found a little girl standing beside me.  
"Who are you talking to?" She asked me and I chuckled before I crouched down in front of her.  
"To myself." I admitted with a big smile. The girl didn't look more than 5 or 6 and I instantly looked around for her parents. I found a couple standing near as but they were busy with some papers.  
The little girl looked at me with big, innocent eyes, holding a little tiger to her chest.  
"That's odd." She told me seriously.  
"I know." I mumbled and looked down at her tiny feet in nice pink shoes with butterflies on them. I imagined buying little shoes and t-shirts for my child. I imagined them mostly in black, I would dress the little motherfucker like a rockstar.  
I sadly smiled when I realized that I'll probably never have a kid. The only one I wanted to have a child with was Tegan – but it was impossible.  
"Who are you waiting for?" She asked me.  
"For my sister. She's my twin." I told her and watched as she smiled at me, one of het teeth missing.  
"I'll have a sister, too. She's in mom's tummy." She pointed to the couple I watched before.  
"But she's really tiny, you know? But I will take care of her, because that's my job as a big sister." I nodded as I listened to her and she continued.  
"Does your twin look like you? Because I know twins but they don't look the same." She said and frowned.  
"Yeah, we look alike, but she's a bit taller than me."  
"Can I…"  
"Elisabeth!" The little girl's eyes widened with scare. She slowly looked up at the woman standing next to her, and so did I.  
"I'm really sorry." The woman said with a quick smile and grabbed the little girl's shoulder, leading her away from me. I stood up and watched them walking away, waving at the girl as she turned her head back at me. She waved back and smiled. I was smiling, too, she was way too cute to deny a smile.  
"I'm gone for two weeks and you already have a new girl?" I heard a voice behind me and my smile got even wider. I turned around and hugged her tightly with so much zest that we almost fell to the ground but she steadied us by stepping back a bit.  
I hid my face into the crock of her neck and inhaled her scent.  
"I've missed you" I whispered and felt her grip tighten around me.  
"I missed you, too." She rubbed her cheek to mine then slowly pulled away.  
Her hazel eyes were filled with happiness and I couldn't do anything but smile when I looked at her. Her piercing was shining in the morning light and I got lost in her beauty. I just stood there, my arms still on her shoulders, and studied her.  
I relieved the most memorable minute of my life, just by standing there with her arms on my waist and watching her features in the light. People were passing by us, but no one cared. They didn't care about us. They didn't know how much I loved her and how much I wanted to kiss her in that moment. They didn't know how much I was in love. They didn't know anything about us. I could have kissed her in that moment and no one would have cared. But I couldn't. It was too… dangerous.  
"Let's get home." I suggested. My mood suddenly changed into sad. I grabbed her suitcase and led us outside. As we waited for a cab she placed her hand on my shoulder and I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them I felt her breathing on my skin, as she leaned in to whisper in my ear.  
"I can't wait to finally be at your place and kiss you." She pulled away and bit her lips.  
"Me neither." I gave her hand a quick squeeze and pulled away as I saw a cab parking near us.

* * *

"Are you hungry?" I asked Tegan as we stepped into my apartment. I threw my jacket on the sofa and pulled her suitcase into my bedroom, placing it next to the end of the bed.  
"Yes." She answered and I started walking out, ready to make something to eat.  
"What do you want to eat?" I asked as I passed by her. I was about to grab our jackets from the sofa when she grabbed me from behind, pulling me away from the couch.  
"You." She whispered and kissed my neck, her hands around my middle. I placed one of my hands on hers, tracing her fingers with mine before I interlocked them and put the other one into her hair, massaging her scalp as she kissed my neck, her kisses leaving a damp streak on my skin, showing their way until she reached my earlobe and bit it. I couldn't suppress a moan as I closed my eyes and my head fell back on her shoulder, giving her a better access, and I felt her smile against my skin.

She walked us back to the bedroom, her body never leaving mine, her breaths on my skin.  
We finally stopped next to the bed and she turned us around so I was facing my giant bed, with my blue sheets waiting for us.  
She ran her hands up and down on my sides and started to kiss my neck, again, biting and sucking on my skin. Her touch all over my body felt like pure bliss, her mouth on my neck… I was numb in her hands, barely standing on my legs, enjoying her touch. When she pushed my shirt up and her warm hand touched my skin, I couldn't stand not to kiss her anymore. I turned around in her embrace and grabbed her face, smashing our lips together in a heated kiss. Her lips were sweet and soft against mine and she moaned in my mouth when our tongues met. I smiled and pulled her head back by her hair and started to place kisses on her strong jaw line, enjoying how she tasted. I felt her swallow hard when I bit her earlobe and I pulled her body even closer to me. I wanted us to become one; I wanted to explode in sync, to scream her name from the top of my lungs when I come.

I turned us over pushing her down on the bed and landing on her body, but she was quick to flip us over, pushing my hands down above my head, my fingertips touching the cold wood of the headboard.  
We looked at each other, breathing heavily, like we've never seen a more beautiful thing in our lives. The sun made her hazel eyes more beautiful; the light shadows making her face more stunning.  
She interlocked our fingers and leaned down, her lips almost touching mine. We didn't close our eyes, we looked at each other as our lips touched, studying each other, making sure to touch every little peace of skin.  
She ran her tongue over my lower lip and I let out a shaky breath, my eyelids shaking but I held them open. She pushed her tongue into my mouth, and when it met mine, she pushed her thigh into my center hardly, and I gasped for air, closing my eyes and arching my back, pushing our breasts together.  
She kissed me with so much passion I was afraid I might die. I squeezed her hands and she moved down her kisses to my neck and I let out some weird noises, but I couldn't care anymore. She held her thigh pushed against me but didn't move and it drove me wild. I grinded hard against her, trying to get some friction but she pulled her leg away and I groaned in frustration. I squirmed, tried to break free but she held me tight.  
"Patience… be patient." She whispered into my ear and I groaned in frustration. How could I be patient when the only thing I wanted was her? I wanted her to tear my clothes, I needed her under my skin, inside of me, I wanted to watch her falling apart because of my touch. I couldn't wait.  
Suddenly she pulled away and looked straight into my eyes.  
"If you'll be so impatient, I'll stop." I froze. She wouldn't leave me here like this but she looked so serious that I nodded and tried to relax under her body, my thighs shaking with anticipation.  
"Good girl." She flashed a cocky smile at me before letting go of my hands and pulling my t-shirt over my head. My hands immediately went to the hem of hers but I stopped, remembering her words.  
"Please?" I looked at her and she nodded, helping me to pull it over her head then throwing it away. She unclasped her bra and threw it next to her shirt.

I looked, no _stared_ at them. I got totally lost in their beauty in the sunlight.  
They got closer to me and I opened my mouth, totally over helmed by the sight. I arched my back as I felt Tee's hands trying to sneak under me and she unclasped my bra, too.  
"Like what you see?" she asked with a chuckle and I nodded, leaning up and taking one of her nipples in my mouth. She moaned and put her hand in my hair, tugging at it whenever I sucked a little bit too hard.  
She pulled us into a sitting position so I had a better and more comfortable access to her breast. I supported her back and ran my hands up and down her hot skin while I paid attention to her breast. Now, she was the one being impatient and trying to earn some friction by moving herself back and forth on my thigh.

I lay down and flicked us over, pinning her down by her wrists on either side of her head.  
"Remember? Patience." I whispered into her ear and she let out a groan.  
"It was a bad idea." She breathed out and I chuckled. I hovered my face over hers and smirked.  
"Well, it was your idea." I leaned in and kissed her, running my hands down on her arms, scratching her skin with my short nails until I reached her breasts and started to massage them. I moaned into her mouth as I felt her hard nipples poking my palms.  
"How do you feel about breaking your previous rule?" I asked, placing kisses down her body between words until I reached the top of her jeans.  
"Fuck, yes" she groaned and I unbuttoned her jeans, sliding them down her legs. She helped me by raising her hips and while I slightly turned my head to watch her trousers fall on the ground next to the bed, she pulled her underwear down.  
My mouth opened in surprise when I turned my head back to her naked body.  
"Fuck." I mumbled as I tried to catch every little detail of her body. How her collarbones moved lightly up and down in sync with her breast, her hard nibbles so desperately arching for attention, the muscles on her stomach moving under her smooth skin, her prominent hipbones and muscular thighs shaking with anticipation.

Suddenly something hit my face and woke me up from my daydream. I looked at her in disbelief. She threw her fucking underwear at my face!  
"Are you going to fuck me or do I have to do it for myself?" She asked me with a cocky grin and I hovered over her body, but made sure not to touch her.  
"As much as I'd love to watch it, maybe next time."  
She started to laugh but she gasped and threw her head back on the pillow when I pushed my jeans covered hips against her. I kissed her exposed neck and slid my hand down on her body, over her stomach until I cupped her mound and she let out a moan. I smiled at how wet she was, knowing it was only for me. I started to rub her clit and she pulled my body even closer with her arms around my shoulders and legs around my middle, heels pushing into the back of my thighs. I ran my fingers through her folds, teasing her entrance and she whimpered, hiding her face into the crock of my neck. I buried my face in her hair and pushed two fingers inside of her. We both moaned at the feeling, her tight walls instantly squeezing my digits.  
I started to pull out just to push myself back, adding more strength to my thrusts with my hips. I felt her juices running down on my palm and I quickened my space.  
We were rocking back and forth, her moans and my heavy breathing filling the air. My jeans felt uncomfortable, I totally soaked my underwear.  
"Faster…" She moaned in my ear and I went faster, rougher and she squeezed me tightly, her short nails digging in my skin on my lower back. I pulled my head up to look at her when she cum. I knew she was close, I could feel her body starting to shake underneath me. She inhaled deeply and I curled my fingers inside of her, massaging her walls. She let out a deep moan and held me even tighter, her walls squeezing my fingers but I managed to keep going and she rode out her orgasm, sucking at my neck to hold back her screams.  
I slowly stopped moving and she let me go, her legs hanging numb besides my hips, her walls clenching around me. I leaned down and slowly kissed her.

She was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen, and I wanted to show her with that kiss how much I loved her. She broke our kiss to breath and smiled at me. She was still on cloud nine, her eyes still lazy after her orgasm.  
I hid my face in the crock of her neck and inhaled her sweet scent, lightly mixed with sweat. She ran her hands up and down my sides, her thumbs brushing against my breast and I shivered. She flicked us over and kneeled next to me.  
"I bet these aren't really comfortable right now." I nodded and smiled as she completely undressed me, my legs instantly opening for her. She ran her hands up and down my thighs, licking her lips and I swallowed at the sight. She looked at me with so much passion it almost scared me. She looked like… she wanted to _eat_ me. And she leaned down with a smirk on her face, to eat me alive.

I gasped and arched my back totally off the bed when her tongue met my clit, flicking over it. She circled around my swollen clit and I grabbed the back of her head, pulling her into me.  
I lost control of how much I was moaning when she pushed her tongue inside of me and started fucking me, her nose hitting my clit each time she pushed in.  
The sight of her head between my legs and the feeling of her tongue inside of me was quickly bringing me to my orgasm, but I wanted more, I needed to look into her eyes as I cum.  
"Come here" I managed to moan out and she pulled away, slowly hovering over me, her hips between my legs.

She kissed me and showed her tongue into my mouth. I could taste myself on her lips and I moaned, bucking my hips up. She cupped my mound and my head fell back down when she pushed her fingers inside of me. I wasn't going to last too long.  
She curled her fingers inside of me, keeping a steady rhythm and I kept eye contact with her although I wanted to close my eyes, to lose myself in the darkness and focus on the feeling building up in my abdomen.  
She pressed her forehead against mine as we rocked back and forth.  
"Cum…" She curled her fingers and with a few more hard thrusts I came, keeping eye contact with her while screaming her name. I rode out my orgasm, looking into her eyes, although there were a few moments when I couldn't see her, the world was spinning around me and I felt like falling.

I only closed my eyes when my orgasm ended. I was panting and I felt my walls clenching around her fingers that were still inside of me.  
She pushed her lips to mine so lovingly, placed light butterfly kisses all over my face, the last one landing on my teeth because my smile was so big it showed all my teeth.  
She slowly pulled out her fingers and I winced, already missing the feeling of her fingers.  
She brushed our noses together in a sweet Eskimo kiss and I put my hand on her neck to keep her in space while I kissed her.  
She pulled away and nuzzled her face in the crock of my neck before rolling on her side next to me. She put her head on her palm and looked down at me.  
"So… what's for lunch?"


	10. Suffer

**Chapter 10: Suffer  
"**_An unturned stone, an undiscovered door leading to  
The gift of hope renewed, eternity for you  
The masses of humanity have always had to suffer_**"**

_Suffer – Bad Religion_

Sara's P.O.V

I placed the cup to my mouth and inhaled the scent of my coffee. It could have been like this. Wouldn't it be the perfect starting of something? I was finally coming down from drinking, because every time I looked at the bottle, I felt myself lying on the floor, reliving that night when I broke down and Tegan found me in the bathroom.

I remembered that day. I still saw it every day in my head. I played with the memory, trying to find a new ending for that day. Sometimes I simply imagined that we have never sat into that cab. Sometimes – like this time – I imagined that we made it back to my apartment and had amazing sex. Tegan's little question made me smile. If she ever had the chance to ask it, I would have laughed. But she never had the opportunity.

I slowly went to the kitchen to pour myself another coffee. I looked at the clock on the wall – everything started here. With that clock. I looked at that fucking clock two weeks ago and counted the hours until I saw Tegan again. Right now, I did the same. I had three hours before I could go and see her.

I stood next to the counter and stared at the black liquid in my cup. I sighed and finally looked at the cup next to the wall, which I avoided in the last two weeks. It was white, with simple black text: "Good morning, beautiful" it said. I bought it for Tegan. I wanted to bring her a cup of tea in the morning in this cup and watch her smile when she read the text.

I grabbed the cup and brought it to my face, studying it. She never used it and this was the first time I touched it since I went to the airport that morning.  
I opened the cupboard next to me with my foot and looked down, right into my garbage.  
I thought about my choices. If I threw it away, I didn't have to look at it. But it was Tegan's. Well, she never used it, so technically it never belonged to her.  
I turned around and closed my eyes after I held my arms out, stopping right above the garbage. I sighed and straightened my fingers. With a muffled thump, it landed on top of the rubbish. Mostly empty bags of junk food I ate in the last few days – when I ate – and to-go coffee cups. I mostly feed on coffee and I was loosing my weight, but I just didn't feel like eating at all. Every time I tried it I found myself bending over a toilet.  
I cried so much lately that I didn't even have tears left. When I woke up from my nightmare a couple of hours ago, I wasn't crying. I couldn't cry, anymore. I cried out my soul, so there was nothing left. I cried for her. But the tears that I cried for her were useless, they didn't help and I got so tired that I couldn't find another reason to cry.

I went back to my living room and sat back on my couch. I put my feet next to me and pulled a blanket over my body.  
I looked around. My whole living room looked like a mess. Books all over the table, broken CD-s next to the wall. On the first week, mom tried to clean but soon she had to admit that it was useless. I couldn't care about placing things back in their place so her cleaning was like shoveling snow while it still falls.

I looked at the door of the guestroom. My mom was sleeping there. Or crying. Crying while sleeping. Or just laying awake, staring at the ceiling. Who knows?  
I took a sip of my coffee and pressed the play button in my head to re-watch that day.

_I woke up of the sound of my phone telling me I needed to charge it. I rubbed my eyes and stared at the ceiling in the darkness until it beeped again and I sighed, turning on my side and taking care of it._

I jumped to the point where I stood at the airport.

_"I'm gone for two weeks and you already have a new girl?" I heard a voice behind me and my smile got even wider. I turned around and hugged her tightly with so much zest that we almost fell to the ground but she steadied us by stepping back a bit.  
I hid my face into the crock of her neck and inhaled her scent.  
_  
She smelled like coconut.  
_  
"Let's get home." I suggested. My mood suddenly changed into sad. I grabbed her suitcase and led us outside. As we waited for a cab she placed her hand on my shoulder and I closed my eyes for a moment. When I opened them I felt her breathing on my skin, as she leaned in to whisper in my ear.  
"I can't wait to finally be at your place and kiss you." She pulled away and bit her lips.  
"Me neither." I gave her hand a quick squeeze and pulled away as I saw a cab parking near us._

I decided to play the whole day, without corrections, and 'what if?'s.

_We sat in the cab in silence, sometimes looking into each others eyes and smiling. The cab smelled like lemon – thanks for the air-fresher. It tickled my nose and I sneezed. Tegan handed a hanky to me and smiled at me. It was one of those fucking perfect moments.  
The driver tried to make small talk with us, telling us that she always sneezes because his new air fresher is to strong. We laughed and I admitted that I sneezed because of the strong scent. He laughed and turned his head back a bit to look at us.  
He looked at Tegan for a moment and his eyes went wide. He couldn't do anything, the driver next to us fell asleep and his Jeep hit the back of the car on Tegan's side. I screamed her name before everything went black. _

I took a sip of my lukewarm coffee and stared at my turned-off TV with a blank expression.

I had no thoughts like "why didn't I sit on that side" and so, anymore.

When I woke up, I was in the hospital. I didn't have serious injuries: just a cracked rib.  
But Tegan… She broke her right arm and leg with along some ribs. She hit her head hard, too.

When I first saw her she was lying on a white hospital bed, with her arm and leg in a big cast, her head wrapped up and bruises all over her face. There were big beeping machines around her, needles under her skin and a tube in her mouth.  
When I asked them when she was going to wake up, they told me that they don't really think she would. She fell into coma and they said if she doesn't wake up by herself soon, there's a chance she never will.


	11. My darling

**Chapter 11: My darling**

**"**_I´d give my everything to you, follow you thru the garden of oblivion_  
_If only I could tell you everything, the little things you´ll never_  
_dare to ask me…_**"  
**_Sonata Arctica - Broken_

Sara's P.O.V.

When I stepped out of my bathroom wrapped in a towel I spotted mom on the couch, already dressed. She looked at me above her cup of coffee and sent me a little smile. I tried to return it but I was sure it turned out more like a grimace so I just turned around and went to the bedroom.  
I didn't bother to close the door – it was my mom so I didn't really expect her to stand up and stalk me while I got dressed.  
I went to my drawer for some underwear. I quickly put on a black bra and was about to grab a pair of boxer briefs when I spotted Tegan's unpacked suitcase on the floor. After the accident I placed it in the corner of my bedroom because I didn't want to unpack it, but in that moment, I needed something that reminded me of Tegan. Not a memory, something more. Her scent all over my body, her clothes.  
I crouched down and unzipped the suitcase. I was greeted by colorful t-shirts and trousers placed in neat columns, a pair of shoes on the side, socks and underwear behind the net.  
I ran my fingers from side to side on the net, touching the stripped socks and the black pairs of underwear. I pulled some out and placed them on the t-shirts, touching the textiles with my fingers. I dropped myself on my knees and leaned in, hiding my face into the clothes. I took a big breath and exhaled through my mouth. _Tegan._ I swallowed.  
"Tegan." I said her name this time and took another big breath, savoring the scent.  
"Sara…" I heard my name and looked up at my mom, standing in the doorway, the cup still in her hands.

I was kneeling there in only a black bra, my hands holding the clothes of my sister like my life depended on them and she looked at me like I was crazy. Maybe I was. Insane. In love. Broken. Trying to come down from drinking. And she knew nothing. Nothing at all.

I broke our eye contact and looked at the black brief in my hand. I slowly sat down on the floor, turned my back to my mother and put on Tegan's underwear. I heard her gasp behind me but I didn't care. For God's sake, it was just underwear. My sister's underwear. Whatever, we always used each other's clothes. Besides underwear. We never borrowed underwear, who does it, anyways? Only lovers.

I finished putting on them and looked at my hairy legs. I should shave. For who? For myself? I felt a sting in my eyes and I closed them. I didn't want to cry, I was tired of crying. I didn't want to feel, either. I just wanted to _survive_.

I felt a pair of weak arms wrapping around my body and I placed a hand on them, gently rubbing my thumb over the skin.  
"It's gonna be okay, honey…" She whispered into my ears and I nodded.  
I reached out for a t-shirt and grabbed it, didn't even care which one, just wanted to get dressed. As I started to unfold it I felt the arms leave my body and I put the shirt on, grabbing the hem after and bringing it to my nose, inhaling. I then kneeled back and searched for a black pair of trousers. As I found them I stood up and put them on, never looking at my mother although secretly I wanted to know what she was thinking. Did she find it strange that I put on my twin sister's clothes who was in the hospital? Did she felt wrong? Bad? Because I felt only relief when Tegan's scent filled my nose.

I kneeled down once more, putting on a pair of socks. Mom still kneeled next to me, silently watching me. I wished she would have talked, said something because this silence was slowly killing me.  
When I started to go back to the bathroom, she followed me and I sighed. I wished she would leave me alone in my own misery.  
I combed my hair, trying to look at myself and don't see my twin – It could have been me, too. It could have been me who was in the hospital. But it wasn't and I had to be strong for her. It was hard in my own. Of course, mom was there with me, but she didn't really know what was going on below. I couldn't tell her what I really felt; I couldn't tell her that it was my love who I was silently watching as she died.  
I only noticed that I blacked out and stared at nothing as she put her hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. I looked at her and send her a sad smile before looking back at myself in the mirror.  
She followed my glance and we made eye contact through the mirror.  
"I'm so happy that you love each other so much. I've never met sisters who get along so good." I looked at her in the mirror before turning my head.  
"Don't say this!" I snapped and she looked at me with wide eyes. I shook her arm off of my shoulder.  
"She's not my sister." I sad angrily and turned around to leave her.  
"Sara!" She said in disbelief and grabbed my wrist. I turned my head back but couldn't look her in the eye.  
"She's not just my sister." I corrected myself, feeling her hand giving my wrist a squeeze.  
I bit my lip as I tried to figure out if I should continue or not.  
"She's my soul mate." I admitted lowly and she let me go.

She would never understand it. Would she? I didn't know. I watched her as she silently went to the kitchen. My whole apartment has been in silence for two weeks. It wasn't the silence I usually craved for – it was awkward and painful. My ears arched for some nose, music, screaming, anything. But I couldn't stand listening to music, it hurt too much, and if I tried to speak to my mother she spoke to me so carefully if she were afraid that I might broke if she spoke too loud.  
"Are you ready?" she asked me and I frowned.  
"For what?" I didn't know what she was talking about; there was still an hour before we could go and see Tegan.  
"Grocery shopping, you know, we talked about it yesterday."  
"Yeah." I nodded and grabbed my jacket, put on my shoes and waited for her.

We hired a car, so we could get to the hospital faster and because I didn't feel myself ready to sit in a cab. Even the thought of it made me shiver with fear. During the ride I was quiet – nodding and saying yes if it was necessary.

When we stepped into the shop I turned into autopilot mode – following my mother as she put vegetables into the shopping basket like a little child.

Everything was okay until she went to the area where the alcoholic drinks were. I froze and watched her, silently screaming for help as my hands grabbed the hem of Tegan's t-shirt and played with it nervously. I took a big breath and simply went to the next shelf, avoiding the urge to look back. I tried not to think about the many bottles of alcohol as I stopped next to the end of the shelf, waiting for my mother. I waited there for what it seemed like an eternity. When she finally arrived in front of me, she had a small smile on her face and held something out before me.  
I slowly looked down at the bottle. Red wine. One of my favorite brands. I swallowed hard and looked at her.  
"Please" My voice was low and husky but I had to tell her, I would have died if she bought that wine. "Put it back." I stepped back to get so far from the bottle as possible.  
"Sara, are you okay? I thought we could drink some wine tonight, relax a bit…"  
"Put it back!" I cut her off and nervously looked around.  
She watched me for a bit but I couldn't look her in the eyes. My eyes made a circle – her shoulders, her mouth, her other shoulder, the wine in her hands…  
"Okay." She nodded and disappeared between the shelves again and I finally let out the air I didn't even know I was holding back.  
I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. I told myself this was the right thing to do; I'll just apologize later for being bitchy.

When she came back, I still couldn't look at her. Although I wasn't guilty this time, I felt guilt because she didn't know what happened to me. I should have told her that I've been having problems lately, but I couldn't. She's a therapist; she would know that I'm not telling her everything. But how could I tell my own mother that I'm in love with my sister and she loves me too? She'd totally freak out. I'd lose her, too.

"Mom…" We were standing in the queue when I finally gathered the strength to say something. She looked at me questioningly.  
"I'm sorry. I promise I'll explain it… later." I stared at my hands, nervously playing with each other.  
She would have answered me but it was our turn, and she silently paid for our things and we headed out of the shop, towards the car.

As she started the engine she cleared her throat and my heart started to beat faster, afraid of what she was going to say.  
"I know that… something is wrong with you." She started and I squirmed in my seat, trying to keep my eyes on the road in front of us.  
"You have been really distant lately, and I don't know why. I thought, it's just a phase, you know?" She glanced at me but I still refused to look at her. "But now I feel like I'm losing both of my daughters." Her voice was cold and low and I felt a single teardrop running down on my face.  
She was right. I was going to give up, but I couldn't, I had to stay strong, take a big breath, and go on with my life, but I didn't know if I could make it without my other half.  
I needed someone, to help me to be strong, and in that moment the only one that I could have was my mom, so I decided I will let her in.  
"I'm an alcoholic." I busted out without thinking and I immediately regretted it. I should have slowly explained her instead of dropping her in the deep water.  
"I mean," I started to explain "I haven't drunk for three weeks or so and it's really hard, but I really wanna stop it." I rattled this off with one breath and waited silently, trying to control my breathing and praying for my heart to slow down a bit before I pass out.  
"I know." She nodded, her eyes on the road.  
"What?!" I was totally shocked. How many people could know it besides her? The whole band? Our fans?  
"Tegan told me."  
"When?" I asked, trying to figure out how much my mother knew.  
"Before the end of the tour. I kept asking her what's wrong with you because you almost totally stopped speaking to me." She gave me a reproachful look and I quickly looked back at the road. We were getting closer to the hospital, which meant the end of our conversation, too.  
"She told me that you had been drinking lately, but you are trying to quit." She continued and I nodded.  
"But then, why did you want to buy the… it?" I didn't want to say _wine_. I didn't want any contact with it, even if it was only naming the thing I was afraid of.  
"I wanted to see how strong you are." She smiled at me and squeezed my thigh with her hand.  
"And you didn't disappoint me. You're strong." She smiled again and I fell into silence. If I was strong as she said I would have never started drinking.

We slowly arrived at the hospital and I looked up at the building. Tegan was there. My love. My everything. And most painfully – my sister.  
"Could we talk about this later… at home?" I asked, hoping I could avoid answering the question why I started drinking. She looked at my and nodded, lightly smiling but I couldn't force myself to return it. I opened my door and got out of the car, feeling the fresh air around me, the wind blowing my bangs out of my eyes.

Our way to Tegan's room was silent. It was the first time in a while that I enjoyed it.  
I was trying to prepare myself to see her in the bed, with needles under her skin and a tube in her mouth. The view still hit me every time and while mom went to sit down next to her bed I just stood next to the door for a couple of seconds.  
Mom leaned down and pressed her lips against Tegan's forehead, stroking her hair lightly with her hand that took care of us when we were little.  
I slowly walked further in the room and sat down on the edge of her bed, gently placing my hand on hers. I drew little figures on her skin while I watched her face. I wanted to kiss her so much that it caused physical pain in my chest.  
I hovered over her face and pressed my lips tightly to her forehead, her scent immediately feeling my nostrils. I felt mom's hand on my back and I pulled away.  
"Hello, Tee." I whispered and glanced at mom. She silently watched us, like we were strangers, and I closed my eyes and imagined that she wasn't there. I felt her hand leave my back and I took a deep breath before opening my eyes again.  
What if I could never kiss her again? I couldn't live without her kisses, I needed her to survive.  
I tried to shut out the fact that out mother was sitting inches from me and leaned in, placing a kiss on the corner or her lips, as close as I could from the tube. I felt my tears filling my ears , slowly and silently they ran down on my face, falling on Tegan's peaceful cheeks. I wiped them away, and opened my mouth, to whisper, again.  
"Hello, darling."


	12. Good morning, beautiful

_I dedicate this chapter to  
The Girl in Camo Leggings,  
Sevenateninetoo,  
and for You,  
if you followed  
Tegan and Sara  
to the end of their journey,  
aka to the start of something  
new_

**Chapter 12: Good morning, beautiful**

_„I'll be your hope, I'll be your love  
Be everything that you need  
I'll love you more with every breath  
Truly, madly, deeply do"_

_Savage Garden – Truly, Madly, Deeply_

Sara's P.O.V.

I slowly opened the door and carefully – not to wake up my mother – made my way to my usual place, the chair next to my twin's bed. Mom fell asleep like an hour ago, the dark circles around her eyes showed that she didn't sleep well during the night. I took a sip of my coffee and turned my attention to the bed, especially to the person who laid on it. She was the most beautiful and perfect human being for me. I leaned back in the chair, trying to find a more comfortable position. My back and bum were sore from sitting there for weeks. I closed my eyes and let my head fell back, drawing little circles on the to-go coffee cup I started to hum a song. After a few seconds I smiled a little bit, when I realized I was humming Dancing in the Dark, one of Tegan's favorites. I was halfway through the song when I heard a little moan, mom must have dreamt something. I continued to hum the song a bit lower, not to wake her up. She needed rest.

When the song ended I stayed still a bit, thinking about what I would say to my mom about my drinking problems when we get home. I knew I couldn't ignore her questions too long – she wanted to know why I started drinking. I needed to find a reason besides being in love with my own sister, because if I told her that, she would break. What kind of mother would like to hear that her kids are in love? Well, every. Except if they are in love with each other. "Fuck." I mumbled and took another sip from my now lukewarm coffee. I quickly finished the cup because cold hospital coffee was the worst thing I could imagine.

I placed the cup next to the flowers on the nightstand and leaned back, trying to relax. Without noticing, I started to hum, again – Dark come soon. I allowed myself a little smile. I was humming Tegan's own song for her. She would have killed me if she knew. But she didn't. I sighed and leaned forward, placing my head on the edge of the bed, my hair falling on Tegan's still hand. I needed her so much that it caused physical pain. I felt my chest tighten when I thought about her and my stomach was in cramp whenever I thought I could never hug her again. I needed her like I needed water and air to survive.

I turned my face to the side and sighed again, as I felt myself drifting off to sleep, the caffeine uselessly circulating in my body. I dreamed about Tegan's hand caressing my cheek and I smiled against her smooth palm. In my dream, everything seemed perfect, my lips pressing a kiss on her skin, her voice whispering my name, husky and low as if she just woke

up from a long sleep. "Sara…" I smiled a little bit. She really did sound like if she just woke up. "Tegan!" …Why is mom in my dream? You don't usually dream with your mom and your love… or I'm just so sick that I do, who knows? Maybe I just fall in love with everyone who cares a little bit about me? I don't think I would be in love with my own mom, Jesus that would be… "Tegan!"

I slowly opened my eyes, dizzy from the lack of sleep and confused from the shouting I heard from outdoors. It's a fucking hospital, idiots… First I thought that the power went off, because I only could see darkness… but this darkness was warm and it slowly moved away from my face as I realized it's a hand and I raised my head, just to look at the beautiful eyes of my sister, exhausted, and confused, instantly relaxing as they met mine. And in that moment, I swear time stopped to let us stare at each other for what it seemed like an eternity. I slowly rose up from the chair, my legs like jello, and I just watched her, my heart skipping a beat when she opened her mouth to say something, although I could see on her that moving caused her pain. Just as I wanted to put my hand on her face and tell her not to speak, the door opened and a doctor hurried in with two nurses, and I had to step away from the bed, watching them from the wall with my mother on my side. She was silently crying as we watch them checking Tegan's condition and asking her questions for which she answered by nodding or shaking her head.

I wanted to run to her and hug her, tell her how much I loved her and how much she meant to me. But I had to stay there and act like I wasn't in love with her waiting for the doctor to finish, telling us what's going next… And finally, the middle old man, Dr Stevens or Stevenson… I couldn't remember his name but at that moment I couldn't seem to care, stepped away from the bed, smiled at us and turned back to Tegan. "Welcome back, Ms Quin. I guess you have some visitors."

Sometimes, you really need a hit from life – in our case from a car – to realize, the only thing that really matters in life, is happiness. Waking up next to the person you love and going to bed with them and between these times, doing what you enjoy. I always found these things silly, and people who told me how happy a person can make them insane. But I had to come to the realization, that they were right. Tegan made me happy, happier than I've ever been. I still had my sad moments, but even these moments were with her. And I decided, that I'll never let her go, I will never let my happiness go. I will walk next to her until the end of our life, because, you know, she's stuck with me for an eternity.


End file.
